Love,Yourself

Giveaway!

2011-01-20T09:43:00.000-08:00

What a neat thing that has happened to me. I know I said that I would not ever be one to disguise an advertisement for a blog post- and that is still true. But I think that giveaways on blogs are so neat- and I want to tell my readers (are you out there?) that I have been provided an opportunity to give away a $25.00 gift card/code from CSNstores.com! This site has everything from Green Bay Packer gear (go Pack!) to TV stands for flat screens!

Leave me a comment on what you would spend the gift code on and you'll get an entry! Follow my blog for a bonus entry. Good luck to everyone!

Remember-
Love,
Yourself

Be Yourself!

2010-12-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

This is a must-read- I stumbled on this blog through an Economics help website (sometimes you never know where you will encounter a real gem!) and well I just have to share this post-
http://wakeuptl.wordpress.com/2010/12/02/be-yourself/

For me, the holiday season is time to express the love I have inside for the people in my life, and to look over the year, and finally remind myself to love myself. That "self" is ever changing, not quite there yet, and oh so undefined. And I'm ok with that.

What a Difference a Day Makes

2010-12-02T07:09:00.000-08:00

Well....after having a couple of near anxiety attacks yesterday I took my old medicine. I felt better within an hour, and just am sticking with the decision to go back on the drug. As far as the weight gain goes- eating right and exercising can certainly make a difference in how I feel, and maybe if I work really hard I will be able to lose weight as well. I may have given to much credence to the whole "I can't lose weight on this medicine" or "this medicine makes everyone gain weight". I think I did do that. I can't do that anymore.

I feel so good today, not having any sick stomach or dizziness. It is totally awesome. I slept well last night too. We got our new memory foam mattress in- we had to let it air out and fluff up for 24 hours, so tonight we should be able to sleep on it! Sleeping on our mattress on the floor wasn't too shabby- makes me worried that our bed frame might be bad too.

So, now that I have changed my mind (after weeks of suffering- don't ask me) I can let that go back to the back of my mind- and stop taking over my days. There is so much to do- and, it's the Holidays!

More to come soon- until then, I am
Loving myself.

Love,
Yourself

War of My Life

2010-12-01T06:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am amazed at how John Mayer's songs seem to be written for me- songs whose lyrics explain the feelings and situations that I am going through in a way that only Mayer can...

War of My Life

I'm in the war of my life
At the core of my life
Got no choice but
to fight til its done.

So fight on.
Fight on everyone.

Had an anxiety attack yesterday- my first one in two years since I started taking my anti-anxiety medicine. I decided to wean off the medicine because of the weight gain- but now I am wondering if it was the wrong decision.. Really I just want to be done with all medicine- but I don't want to be paralyzed with anxiety and fear. My anxiety manifests physically with rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath. Scary- but I was able to calm myself down from it. Didn't last as long as the ones in the past. This morning almost had two more, but got it under control. Lucky for me my husband just decided to call me on my way to work- he never does that- so divine intervention there- talking to him has helped me this morning so much. I almost took the pill again. After going through a month of tapering down the dose and five days without any- but thankfully, I didn't-and I don't plan to unless I stop being able to function without them. I am going to start exercising, eating right and maybe even start seeing a counselor. I hope that I can get off this new medicine as well because I don't really think it is helping me much.

Well this is the war of my life- getting my anxiety under control and getting a healthy lifestyle back in place. I can do it! I know I can. It's hard, it sucks, but it can be done.

As long as I keep loving myself.

“Never waste a minute of your precious life by squandering it thinking about people you don't like”

2010-11-30T09:47:00.000-08:00

Good reminder for me today. I don't know what it is but I have been thinking about past issues I have had with people and well what a waste of time! I have to focus on the now, the present time that have which most certainly is a gift. I have to do (or not do) what feels right to me. Pressure from people, even if well intended, cannot sway me. I want to be authentic and I want to live my life honestly. If I honestly don't want someone in my life, that's it- I don't want them in my life.

Maybe it is the sleep deprivation, maybe it is other things- one thing I know for sure. Loving myself does not include lying to myself. If it did in the past, I am stopping that right now.

This journey called life can be interesting, that is for sure.

Funny coincidence- on my pandora playlist- Sara Barellies- "Who cares, if we disagree, you are not me- who made you King of anything?" Exactly, Sara!

Love,

Yourself

Tuesday, but it's my Friday!

2010-11-23T08:53:00.000-08:00

Gosh I am so glad I decided to take tomorrow off and have a nice five day weekend tied in with Thanksgiving. For one thing, I am having my super fun family over on Thanksgiving and I want to get the house all clean and sparkling before then. Also, the day after Thanksgiving is the day my family and I decorate for Christmas- so this extra time is going to allow me to get prepared for all of that. Until this moment, it didn't really feel like Thanksgiving week for me. It's 70 degrees outside, and well there isn't going to be any snow around here- but thinking about the preparation and the decorating, yes- it is almost Christmastime!

So, for me, it's not about the presents. Don't even think my husband and I are going to get presents this year. For me, it's about time off and spending time with my family. It's also my recharge time, the weeks before I think about where I am at in my life and where I want to be and make all kinds of promises to myself that I don't always keep. But I still promise, and sometimes, every once and a while, something sticks and I move forward one step on the candyland board that is my life.

This week, the theme of Thanksgiving is for me, the most important of them all. Giving thanks, being thankful and humbled by blessings is the surest way to be happy in life.
Joubert said "Think only off the ills from which you are exempt." What great advice. As I pray for people I know who are battling cancer, drug addiction, and other horrible ills-I can also give thanks for the absence of those things in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Love,
Yourself

Mirrors are a losing game...

2010-11-22T04:13:00.000-08:00

They only show you backwards anyway. -John Mayer

I love this line from a not yet released John Mayer song- tentatively titled "Hotel Bathroom Song". I want to think of that this week, as my goal is to not let what I see in the mirror or on the scale affect the love I have for myself. This week's goal is to practice being kind to me. And at the same time, love myself.

I feel drawn to writing, too, and want to start my book that I have been wanting to write forever- tentatively titled The Size of My Soul.

Short work week, but lots of work to do in the house before Thanksgiving. Hope everyone has a blessed Thanksgiving!

Love
Ker

Ads or Blogs?

2010-11-21T03:27:00.000-08:00

You know what I hate? Bloggers who sell their souls and post what seems at first to be a heartfelt post about how much they love someone, but in the middle, they mention a product, with a link, and somehow tie it all together. That is not a blog- that is an ad.

Even if it got to the point where my blog had a lot of readers, and advertisers were offering me the $$$, I don't think I would ever do that. (Notice I said I don't *think* I would). Money is so evil.

Loving myself,
Kerrie

Brain Rules

2010-11-20T14:13:00.001-08:00

So, I'm reading this book called Brain Rules and it is really fascinating. Basically, there are some universal truths about people and how their brains work. One of the rules says that "Exercise increases brain power." That explains a lot. I haven't been on a regular exercise program in a long time and I feel like my brain is floating in a vat of something very sticky and gooey. I need to start moving more.

The learning environment we put our kids in and the working environments a lot of us work in are NOT conducive to using the maximum power of our brains. I really want to make the changes necessary in my life to work at a job that I am totally engaged in. I want my daughter to experience learning for what it should be- an organic, freeing experience.

Getting from here to there is not going to be an easy task- some people might not understand what I want to do. I've got to get to a point where I do those things anyway! So here I go again, about to embark on some changes which will, I hope, take me to where I want to be!

I do choose happiness, I do.

Love,
Yourself

I just deleted my facebook page...

2010-11-19T10:34:00.001-08:00

Well I couldn't go through with all the way deleting it, so I just deactivated it. I don't know what it is but I just feel like I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I think I know what did it. I was looking at some people's "About Me" section, and then I looked at mine, and I was struggling with what to put. Then it dawned on me. The "online" Kerrie is defined only by what words I put under "interests" or maybe some offhanded comments I might make on a persons status, when that status is a contrived way for them to try to show everyone of their online friends that they are living the life. It's all kind of silly.

I understand why John Mayer deleted his twitter account. He hasn't blogged in two months either. I know it must be hard for him, but I understand why he did it. It's time to get back to basics. Pick up the phone. Write a letter or even an old fashioned e-mail! I don't know what it is. I am taking a look at my time, and what little I have to spend on things, and quite frankly- I don't want to waste any precious time on facebook.

Then there is this blog. This sad, neglected blog. I gave it a face lift. I want to use it for it's original intention- I want to use it in a positive way. I don't need for people to comment, I don't need for anyone to approve. I do need to release my feelings in words. I feel best when I do that regularly.

I want to blog. I want to belong. I just don't want to belong to a blog.

And so therefore I am back...
Loving Myself.

Some Things I Plan to Do Differently....

2009-03-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

Life is a process, right? And so as you go through life, and the year pass by, the whole purpose is to work up the courage to change the things that aren't working for you and try some new things that may be just what you need. I have a few things that I want to incorporate- but the hardest part is the first part- deciding to do it. I take that back- the hardest part is actually DOING IT.
I love John Mayer's song "In Repair". It's me- to a "T". I have periodically over the past couple of years made a lot of good improvements as I changed and evolved into who I am today- however I am not there yet. These are just some notes (not all the way definitized, yet):
1. Exercise- I want to add exercise to my life and make it one of my routines that I JUST DO.
2. Battle Rhythm, organization, my process- I want to put together a plan of how I am going to do "it all". Work, School, Housework, Family Life. I want to get a plan together, work it, and implement it and I want to know that I have a plan to execute and that I am going to get it all done. I can do it. Some people do a hell of a lot more. O
3. Once I get the basics down pat, I want to incorporate some sort of hobby- could be that I stick with a crafty based thing- or I might want to start a garden, or maybe something completely different. I want to get into something that will allow me to escape and get lost for awhile. So when I find my way back I am an even better version of me.
4. Priorities- I want to make reading a priority in my life again. Not above my family of course- but I love to read- I love books, poetry, all things literature and I want to be able to say someday that I have read until I couldn't read anymore.
5. Loving myself. It's still something I struggle with. I need to get to the point where I love myself with all my heart as I love God, My Husband, my daughter, Mom Dad & sisters. I love them so much- I deserve to love myself just as much. Still working on it!

Well what a good start. So glad I took a moment to blog this- and get it out of my mind and onto this blog.
Love,
Myself

RIP Chloe...

2009-02-07T13:18:00.000-08:00

My Dad had to put their dog to sleep this morning. She was 11 years old.. a small brown delicate toy poodle who was seriously the best behaved dog I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. They got Chloe after I had already moved out- a month after I had my own baby girl. My sisters all lived with her for years before they moved out- I never lived with her but loved her just the same. It's sad when you lose an animal. It really is. My parents really love their dogs. Anyway- sad day.

I hope that this year gets better because really it's been kind of a bummer in some ways. There have been some new beginnings- but with the fear of losing your job, new sickness and medications, and just plain wierd feelings I don't know what is going on. Lord help us!

Well rest in peace Chloe, you were a good girl.

Love,
Myself

Diagnosis Day

2009-01-23T09:36:00.000-08:00

Well got my diagnosis yesterday. I do indeed have PCOS- polycystic ovarian syndrome. It sucks, but it feels good to know that there is a real reason for my weight problem- and that I haven't been crazy all these years. I have gotten low blood sugar feelings before because I am insulin resistant. Turns out my blood pressure is elevated too- which occurs 4x more in PCOS women. I am going to conquer this. With the help of the metformin- and with a good exercise regimine- I predict that a year from now I am going to be writing a blog about how I lost 100 lbs. If I keep the faith, keep moving, and keep hope alive- I know I can do this.

Anyone out there know someone who has this? I can use any advice that anyone can give.
I'm still...
Loving Myself,
Kerrie

SLEEP

2009-01-19T02:14:00.000-08:00

Ahhh...Sleep. It's been a few days (well four actually) since I have had a good night's sleep. I'm SICK with this horrible no good stupid chest cold/bronchitis and well I feel like crap. On a stick. And I just want to sleep but I can't! Now my ear is hurting, I have a fever and a cough that shakes my insides and rattles my brain every time it jumps out of me. It's been a real long time since I have been this sick. This is SICK. I am even wheezing- I don't think that I have ever wheezed like this before. So, off to the doctors I go. I left work early on Friday thinking that I could get better over the weekend- but didn't work out- so had to call out today too. My fever is rising, my lips are chapped- I am just miserable. I am writing this to remind myself to be thankful for not being sick once I get over this mess. And, I think about the people out there tonight who have a sickness that they will never get better from- how hard it must be to suffer with no end in sight.

Well things can always be worse. I have to keep that in mind. But man do I feel bad right now...

Still loving myself...
Kerrie

So....

2009-01-15T13:32:00.000-08:00

It's a blustery cold Thursday afternoon- I still have a few minutes left at work but I have knocked out my long to-do list today with such dedication and determination I thought I would post a blog. I told myself this year I would blog more, so everytime it occurs to me to blog, I am going to do it! Now what does that mean? Well, it might mean that I post a lot of blogs that don't mean a lot to a whole lot of people- but I am hoping that the flow of ideas, dreams, and creativity gets me in the mood to write more- and therefore I am setting myself up for the time when I finally do what I was destined to do- write a novel. A bestselling novel. I am going to do it darn it!

Ahh...other than that- school is back in full gear. Seems like I have managed to pick a bunch of loaded classes this time- lucky me! Pre-calculus-ya ok- and Eng Lit II- love English! And also Micro Economics. Just some fun stuff- lots of reading but that's ok. Only thing is, I haven't been able to finish Breaking Dawn or Midnight Sun or any of the other reading I have been wanting to do- and forget my Cricut! I am in the middle of a project for my Mom that I have not finished! So, lots of fun stuff to do and lots of crafty things to do and lots of reading to do and on top of all that- I have a pile of laundry like you wouldn't believe. But hey- it's great to be alive!

Again- a post that doesn't mean much to anyone else- but means a lot to me. I am feeling great- the meds they have me on are working great- I have lost some weight- not craving hardly any thing- and no problems with fear or anxiety. Thank you Jesus!

I really hope this Variety Show that John Mayer is in discussion with CBS goes through- I think it would be great to see him on network TV more- even for just a season! My TIVO is ready already!

I better get going. The day is almost done. It's freezing cold outside- gotta bundle up for my 6 minute trek home....
Loving myself,
Kerrie

All we have are our souls...

2009-01-11T14:49:00.000-08:00

Well I went to the viewing today. I am such an empath- I feel everyone's pain- and I cry so easily- I said I wasn't going to cry but I did. Jane, whose husband past away, was very stoic and calm. She is such a classy lady- I sometimes wish I could be more like her- but I know I am who I am and I have to love myself as I am.

Going there alone was a very hard thing to do. But then it was over for me. For Jane, this is her forever. My husband (who is a very wise man I might add) said something to me today before I went to the viewing- after getting home from church- that has really stuck with me. I was going on and on about getting a degree, and him getting a degree someday and he said "That may or may not happen, but that doesn't matter- someday we will look back on these days and it won't be that we remember- it will be our time together- our laughs, our love, our life- in the end, all we have are our souls..."

He is so right. Like I have mentioned before I can become single focused. Focused on myself and my problems. My health, my weight, my job, my feelings. Today as I left the funeral home in tears I felt selfish again- that I couldn't be strong enough for Jane to not break down in front of her. Her soul and her husbands soul will meet again someday...All anyone can do is just take each day that you are blessed enough to be given and live it with your whole soul.

Loving my soul,
Kerrie

The fog is lifting...could this be the miracle I dreamed about?

2009-01-10T20:06:00.001-08:00

If you have dared read any of my previous years posts you will know something about me...I'm fat. And I don't want to be fat. I don't think badly of fat people because I know that there can be a situation where someone doesn't overeat and yet they are fat- I know this because it has been me all my life.

Recently- I got fed up- fed up of avoiding doctors because of the fear of what they might say to me- yes- they say things- like "you're fat!". And that hurts- but after suffering through another anxiety attack- sitting in the ER and looking at my husband and daughter sitting there looking back at me it dawned on me that I needed to do something- and that I did.

After some good ol internet research I armed myself with all the data that I thought I would need, made an appt for a physical with my GP and a annual pap smear with a new OBGYN and got it done. And I think that I was right. I have PCOS, insulin resistance and its not my fault I'm fat. I don't have to be ashamed. It's not lack of willpower. It's more than that. I took one pill today of the medicine prescribed to me and four hours later I felt different. A fog was lifted. I had energy. I wasn't hungry four hours after eating breakfast. I felt normal.

This is truly a miracle and I thank God for giving me the guidance and the strength to go and get seen by doctors and to ask for the help I need. I pray my test results all come out normal. I pray that a year from now I can look back on this first "fog lifted" day and remember the start of my real life. I hope I am lighter, and feel better, and I pray that it will only get better from here.

Loving myself...
Kerrie

On a sad note- I am feeling so much sympathy for a dear friend and former co-worker whose husband past away suddenly Thursday night- I pray that God will comfort her in her grief and I pray He gives me the right words to say tomorrow at the viewing.

A foggy dream...

2009-01-03T06:47:00.000-08:00

Well I started a new medication on January 1st and let me say- I have been in a fog these past couple of days. Not a dense fog, just a little hazy fog and my energy has been zero. I am going to stick with it- I made the mistake of reading horror stories on the internet about this particular medication- but I have a feeling that once my body gets used to it I will be much better than I was before. I haven't had any anxiety feelings since being on this medicine and well that is a blessing- because there is nothing worse that uncontrollable worry and fear. So, hope to post an update soon that I have gotten over the side effects and have the energy to move again!

That being said- Monday is the day I start induction on Atkins. I have gathered up my research and got out the old book and just know that this way of eating is the way I feel my best. I don't know if the weight will come off like it did last time (there are some who say you have one golden opportunity on this eating plan- once you go off and come back on, it's not the same) but I am going to be optimistic that I will reduce my weight by at least 20% this year. I know that the highs and lows of my blood sugar will be gone and that is enough in itself. Really I have a lot to lose but I have to just take it one day at a time.

So today and tomorrow that's it- and then it's back to work, back on Atkins, and well back to the real world! I had so many plans for this vacation but just didn't get it all done. When do we ever get it all done? Never!

Now I am off to put a dent in the laundry and clean up yesterdays dishes...Anna Quindlin had it right: "Real life is loading the dishwasher" (or something along those lines!)
Have a happy day-
Love,
Yourself

Hello 2009

2008-12-31T21:53:00.000-08:00

Well 2009 is literally eight minutes away and I am choosing to make a blog entry of all things. Something I really didn't do a lot of this year, but really want to do more of in the coming year. Reflecting on this past year I am reminded of some really great blessings. I got a new job in 2008- and as scary as it was to leave my old job behind, every day I am reminded of how much better things are for me since I made the move. I went back to college in the Fall of 2008- and although I know I have a lot of school still ahead of me, taking those first three classes and getting them behind me (with all A's - ok now I am bragging) really feels great. Some not so great stuff this past year- well Todd's health has not been the best- sinus surgery- to a bleeding ulcer-and well he is still anemic somewhat- I can tell- he doesn't have all of his energy back. I am hoping that 2009 will see him get his mojo back! And the passing of Todd's Grandmother in October was really hard- Todd had just said the weekend before that we needed to go visit her, and then she died that week - sometimes you can just be too late. Things with my sister didn't improve - really got worse- something about the whole situation to me has become so unreal that it doesn't really even hurt anymore. That's a bad sign...maybe in 2009 we can both get over what ever it is that keeps us apart. Or not.
I am finally coming to grips with my anxiety disorder, and with the help of my doctor think that I will be better than ever in 2009. I am going to embark back on the lowcarb lifestyle since that is the way of eating that I feel the best with. And not saying this is a resolution- but a promise to myself- to move my body for at least 30 minutes a day in some way that inspires my mind and strengthens my heart and muscles- I need to move more. I will!

With one minute to go, I want to wish anyone who might be reading this a very Happy New Year...all the best to you and your family- and here's to loving ourselves in 2009.

Love,
Myself

Got that bloggin feeling...

2008-11-17T12:40:00.001-08:00

Ok first of all, I need to change this layout. This just isn't me anymore! I don't like the colors...it's just not inviting to me anymore. And wow- some time has passed hasn't it since I last graced this page with an update. Let's see..
I turned 35 last week- still don't feel old!

I am in to cupcakes and my new cricut expression machine- I don't know if I am going crafty or if I just feel the need to create.

About to finish my first quarter back in school...everything is going really well- dare I say I am going to get all A's? Well I think I am!

My family is doing wonderful- there are still the same issues but for me- and my family- we are all happy to be together. Really.

My husband had a scare the first week of November- ended up that he had a bleeding ulcer- but he is alright now and after a blood transfusion has made a complete recovery. Thank God above that he didn't die!

Well...just quick and dirty update. I have so much that I want to do in the coming year- take more pictures- be more in the moment- and keep on striving to get where I want to be in life. I just want to be happy.

Loving myself,
Kerrie

Where have I been?

2008-08-05T14:20:00.001-07:00

Wow- a lot of time has passed since my last blog- and it's funny- it doesn't seem like that long ago on one hand, and on the other hand that person, this blog, all seems like someone other than me! I spent so long planning my career change (and we changed residences in there too) that once all of that was over, and things got into a rhythm, and well slowed down a bit- I didn't have much to write. What is weird is that when I go back and read all the things that I wanted , I find now that they have come true! (Except losing weight- at least it hasn't happened yet) I have my new job- and this company is paying for all of my college- I have already registered for classes and I am well on my way to getting the degree I wished I would have gotten 12 years ago! Lord knows this has been a long long road- and I am happy to say- I've arrived!

What else is new?
My little girl starts 5th grade tomorrow! Now that's a big pill to swallow- but I am so thankful that she is a happy healthy beautiful girl!

Got a trip to St Louis coming up Aug 25-27. I used to live near there as a kid and well it has been awhile since I have been back.

Another John Mayer concert - August 29th! I am told that Aug 30th will be spent looking for a certain lego store because my daughter is obsessed with legos. So- she's looking forward to that probably more than JM!

My husband had sinus surgery and for the first time in years has gone a few days without a headache- he can breathe- and well that's just the best!

Ahh...I'm good- without wishing time away I am ready for the fall- leaves falling, cloudy skies, cool wind- it's when I am at my best. This 100 degree weather is not for me.

Well just a quick update. I'll be loving myself,
Kerrie

Well...It's gonna be alright isn't it?

2008-04-29T07:25:00.001-07:00

Got my start date on my new super awesome going to be great job! May 2nd! That's right- in three days I will be at my new job. It's mind blowing- really. I mean, for awhile there I didn't think that anything was going to happen but it has. I don't think I have anything to worry about as far as the last post goes. She didn't have a good experience and really thought that it is just a bunch of "stuffy engineers". Well that's fine and dandy with me! I am so thankful for this opportunity- I have gotten back on to getting my UAH stuff in order and it looks like I might just try to take two classes at first- I know everyone is saying don't do it but I think I can handle it!

Other than that I am in the wind down phase of things- I am ready to move on- change directions- start "anew". I will try to remember to keep this updated - I am just struck by the sheer luck I have had and I know that making up your mind to do something- and then working everytday toward that goal IS the way to make your dreams come true. It's scary and exciting at the same time! I wanted a new job and I got it! Some didn't think it could be done but it has been done and I am proof that you shouldn't take no for an answer. There are a lot of goals and dreams that I have and well everytime I do something that I wasn't sure I could do it makes me more excited about the possibilites out there for me.

It's all going to be alright- this is a new chapter for me- and I hope that I continue to grow, learn new skills, and increase my knowledge in everything that I want to learn about!

I'll be around...
Kerrie

God...your sense of humor is awesome...but it still sucks!

2008-04-18T10:18:00.001-07:00

Ok- I have to first say that nothing has really changed since I last post. I am still so incredibly blessed that it isn't even funny. I haven't been given a start day yet but things are progressing with my new job. I have to do one more thing, and then surely I will get my day 1 start date. Well ironically, someone else at my current job has been contacted about a job in the same group as my new one. Ironically, this does not fit in with my plan. At all. But ironically- I am struck by how hilarious it all really is. God- you laugh at me sometimes don't you? It's ok, It's alright. I need to get my ego in check- I struggle with it. I don't get it when someone doesn't like me- I don't understand why some people do such a crappy job and they are best friends with the boss- doesn't make sense. I am reminded of something though- I remember that this has always been a problem for me, even as a kid. My Mom noticed early on that I thought everyone should like me. And I really thought that I should be #1 at everything- and if not- I couldn't understand why- and she told me (this is the kind of Mom she was) - Kerrie, Not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is going to think you are the great person that you are. Not everyone is going to understand your point of view. And no matter what- there will always be someone prettier, smarter, more talented, more educated....etc etc. Well thanks for the vote of confidence! But now that I am older I know what she was saying. Life ISN'T a popularity contest. I don't have to be liked by everyone to like myself. Ah...that's right- Love,Yourself.

So...I think I will dabble in some Dali Lama now- (I always spell his name wrong) but I do get his message- and after all-isn't that what is important?

Loving Myself,
Kerrie

So many blessings....I don't deserve!

2008-04-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe I do deserve them, or they would not be bestowed on me? Or maybe even if I don't deserve them it's not about what you deserve- is it? Certainly I know some wonderful people who aren't always given the breaks I think they should get. But all that aside- I thank God for recent (and past) blessings:

1. My daughter recently had some issues with feeling like she needed to pee all the time. The doctor thought it might be diabetes. My whole world stopped for a moment just thinking about that- but thank God her sugar was normal, both fasting & non-fasting.

2. My husband had an eye issue that I was really worried about- Thank God that all is well according to the opthamologist- he will go back in two months- and hopefully it will be resolved by then!

3. For me, not only have I been offered a wonderful job- but in addition- another company may be close to offering me a position- and I am certainly excited to see what they offer. It is quite strange to go from hopeless- in the job front- to have two really good prospects- or one shoe-in and another really good prospect. It's really amazing. Really is.

When it is all said and done, I am truly enjoying the ride called life and I look forward to writing about where all this takes me. Stay tuned!

Love,
Yourself

Life changes and changes and changes

2008-04-04T06:55:00.000-07:00

Well I just read over some of my earlier entries and it's funny- I must sound so crazy to someone just browsing and reading my entries- especially backwards- it's a trip! I read the part about "no more job hunting" and I have to laugh. I have been on two interviews the past two weeks- both of them turned out really well- and apparantly...DRUMROLL PLEASE....I have an offer coming via FedEx today from one of the companies- it is a real blessing- and I thank God above. (Of course I have no idea the $ involved - so it may not be a possibility). Then there is another company that I talked to and they seemed really great and the position seems really in tuned to what I want to get into and I am feeling good about them too- wondering if I am about to go from stuck in a rut- to having TWO great choices- which is hard too! But don't get me wrong- life is good- it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel- but everything does happen for a reason and I am so glad that I am in the situation that I am in now- I am going to be ok.
More to come once I know something...
Love
Yourself

Gosh- I am so self centered!

2008-03-28T07:41:00.000-07:00

Wow. Something has happened- I have had a realization- a revelation- and even me writing this points right back to the same behavior- I am self centered! All I think about it how to improve the way I look (losing weight), improve my employment situation (getting a better job) and well this whole blog is all about me me me. Now loving yourself is different than liking yourself isn't it? Wow- is self confidence a bad trait? It might be!

I Choose to change my thoughts- my every waking moment cannot be about me anymore.That's no way to live. I have to learn to focus on others- on the service of others- on the environment- and the love of God. Things that are much more important than the newest spring trends and what new thing I am going to try to lose 100 lbs.

Wow. I don't want to. But I NEED to.
Lord help me!
Love
Me

I don't want to work...

2008-03-27T13:07:00.001-07:00

You know that song that goes "I don't want to work, I just want to bang on my drum all day"?
Well it has been looping through my brain all day and well I just am not 100% here in the moment. Lately I have been having these spells where I am imagining myself in other situations- in life, in my work, everything. I want to do so much in my life, want to be more, see more, experience all that I can. What's hard for me are the limitations of responsibility. I have to earn an income. I have to! Or wait a minute-do I HAVE to? My husband always likes to say- it all depends on what you are willing to accept. No, I don't have to earn an income- but without one I would not be able to live in the house I currently live in. My daughter would not be able to take violin and figure skating lessons and I would most likely be eating ramen noodles and peanut butter sandwiches on a daily basis. (That part wouldn't be so bad!) But truly-balance is what I seek. A balance of adventure and stability, a balance of freedom and responsibility and well I need to remember that I have chosen a lot of things and all of those choices have led me to where I am today. I am thankful for that- I am totally blessed. I think I will get back to work now.

Love,
Yourself

Lifelines...

2008-03-07T13:15:00.001-08:00

Reminded yesterday of one of my favorite John Mayer songs- Lifelines

I get this song- it speaks to me- if you haven't heard it I highly recommend you search for one of his live versions of it- I have one from 2004 I think- anyway- wish he would play it sometimes- would be great to hear it at a concert. That, or Covered In Rain- which is my #1 favorite.

You saw me sleeping on the couch tonight,
i know it serves you right
makes you luckier than i
all the colors in the room have changed
compared to yesterday
but brother I've discovered you

we're pushing on
we're passing through
and it wont be long
till I walk with you
tonight I'm down
I'm inside out
staring at the pictures in the album you forgot about

and isn't it a shame
times have changed
but isn't it strange
lifelines stay the same, the same

we're never where we want to be
that's okay with me
that's just the way it is, they say
it feels like make believe
that you're my history
but brother I've rediscovered you and

we're pushing on
we're passing through
and it won't be long
till I walk with you
tonight I'm down
yeah, I'm inside out
staring at the pictures in the album you forgot about

isn't it a shame
that times have changed
but isn't it strange
lifelines stay the same

round and round
I can't believe my heart has waited this long
all along, we've been children in a cold world
where wonder was lost, every day
and if love was a compass
oh, I've lost my way

I'm turning into a "Yogi"!

2008-02-25T10:03:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a week since I started doing yoga and let me tell you- it has been a great week! I've lost 3.4 lbs this week. (I did keep my calories at about 1900- give or take- I didn't stress or obsess though- that's another thing I am choosing- not to stress or obsess any longer!) And yesterday, just to spice it up a bit, I got out my old "Tai Chi for Weight Loss" dvd. The mixture of slow and fast movements kicked my butt- but I think I will incorporate this every other day to try to up the fat burning. But back to yoga- even though I only know about 10 poses max, I feel SO MUCH BETTER after doing it. I have been getting up at 4:30 in the morning to get the 30 minutes in-and I still feel great after doing it! Like I said before, the breathing reminders are the best part for me- I feel so relaxed and oxygenated afterwards. I pray that I remember this feeling when I get to the point (and I will) where I might not feel like doing it- I want to make it a point to remember how great it feels to MOVE and BREATHE.

That being said-this week might just be Hell week- big event at work that is going to take all of us working together to pull off. I am going to remain positive and not take the BS that people hand me personally. I can do this and I can maintain my sense of self and peace. I just made the decision!

Speaking of decisions- I decided wholeheartedly to go back to school. I am going to meet with a counselor tommorrow and see what it is going to take to get back into the swing of things here. I am thinking that summer classes is where I need to start- I don't want to wait until Fall!

No more job hunting until I have at least a Bachelor's Degree. That's it- I'm settled in for as long as they will have me. (Hopefully that will be a long time!)

Later!
Love,
Yourself

Revelations

2008-02-19T09:56:00.000-08:00

Well I'm just starting this journey and I can feel a difference this time. (Have I said this before?) I'm not sure, but if I have, the difference is different this time. My apologies to those of you who actually use the English language correctly- I like to spice it up a bit and therefore don't always follow pesky "rules"!

Anyway- I've had a few revelations about this whole "taking care" thing. It takes TIME to take care of yourself!

It takes time to plan your meals, prepare them, and consume them in places other than the front seat of your car!

It takes time to exercise- getting prepared, dressing for it, and actually doing it are taking me close to an hour a day!

I had no time for tryjm.blogspot.com this morning because I had to enter my food, weight and plan for this evening.

But another revelation I have had is how GOOD it feels to spend your time on something worthwhile like YOURSELF! It may be selfish- but so what- I have a negative balance on self worth so this is just bringing me up to level. And it is feeling great.

I know this is still the honeymoon phase of a new deal for me but don't get me wrong- I know this is hard, I know I will fuck it up at least a little but this time I truly choose to keep trying and make it work!

Happy Tuesday!
Love,
Yourself

Feeling great!

2008-02-18T05:23:00.000-08:00

Well after a few days of struggling with my "choices"- I finally let go and decided to listen to myself and see what truly felt right. The yoga dvd (Just My Size Yoga) has been a God-Send. The first time I did it I felt awkward, shaky and well thought that it might not be for me...but something has changed. It made me sore as hell- which is a good sign, but my sleep has gotten so much better and I truly feel relaxed. I like the reminders to breathe- I have a tendancy to hold my breath during exercise (not good at all!) and well the relaxation part at the end is the best. As for eating- I admit the first day it was like I wanted to eat more junk than ever! Valentine's Day saw me eating m & m's and hershey's kisses and well not healthy stuff at all. But I have gotten better. Way better. I've upped my protein in the morning to keep the jittery slump away that used to come at 10 or so- and well I think that sticking to 1650 calories a day (or there abouts) is going to be totally do - able.

Making up your mind is the easy part. Carrying it out day after day is going to be the real challenge. I try to keep in mind that I deserve this. I deserve to feel good about my body for the first time in my life.

Well I better leave for work - I'm not fortunate enough to get President's Day off!

Later!
Love,
Yourself

I choose....

2008-02-13T10:34:00.000-08:00

Heard something like this on the John Tesh radio show (ya I know- I don't know how that ended up on my radio, but it was a rainy night and I was driving and didn't want to mess with changing stations. Anyway, he said that telling yourself that "I choose" to do something makes a big difference sometimes in the attitude that surrounds an action, goal, etc in your life. Instead of "I have to" I choose to start saying "I choose to".
So to take it a step further, I am going to publish a list of what I choose.

1. I choose to eat healthy. And by healthy for me it means lots of fresh vegetables, fresh fruits, whole grains, very little red meat, chicken, fish & turkey, and enough water everyday to keep things clear (if ya know what I mean). I don't have to eat this way, I choose to. No one is making me do this- I choose to eat this way. I am not a bad person if I sometimes slip up but for the most part, since I chose this, I am going to eat healthily.

2. I choose to be more active. However I do it, I choose to move more than I ever have on a day to day basis. Whether it's walking, biking, tennis, treadmill, recumbant bike or yoga for fat girls (I got the dvd today!) I am going to do it, because I have made that choice!

3. I choose to love myself. This is a big deal for me- I don't know if ever I have truly loved myself- I mean unconditionally. Being overweight virtually my whole life, I had a lot of time to develop a self loathing that went pretty deep and there were plently of people in my life who helped this self loathing fester and grow. I gave those people too much power over me obviously- I mean if someone were to say to me now, "Do you really NEED that Kerrie" or "MOOOOOOO" as one of my ex-friends got a slew of people to do to me in the 8th grade- wow what would would I say? I don't know! Probably profanity- I might slug someone- but in all honesty people might as well be saying that to me now still. I still feel it- I still think that people think it. One of my husband's friends, who was in AA at the time, told me something very profound. We were all at dinner, and I made a comment about I bet so and so thinks I am such a dork! And he said- well, the truth is, it's none of your business what other people think of you. Nuff said. I love me!

4. I choose to live each of the days that God give me with a smile and with grace. There are so many cliches regarding this but darn it- it's true- don't waste precious time on stupid shit.

5. I choose to be the best me I can be. Whatever it takes!

Ok that's a great start. A list of choices. I chose them myself and I choose now to end this blog. Night!

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.

2008-01-29T12:39:00.000-08:00

Powerful words-I Just saw this quote on my beliefnet subscription 'BEYOND BLUE-
Although I haven't been diagnosed, I think I suffer from mild depression- and even though I don't take mediciation I can feel my mood wax and wane. Or maybe it's natural to have lots of different emotions- I think it could be hormone induced- really it's spot on (no pun intended) with my monthly visit!

Well anyway Sally Field said those words supposedly and well they have really touched me today. Here's where I am at- in the same Amazon order I ordered "BIG FAT LIES" AND Yoga for fat people. Ok it's not called Yoga for Fat people but it might as well be. Ha Ha I have dabbled in tai chi- and every night I try to meditate for what amounts to one minute but still, I'm trying, and I would love to see if this yoga for round bodies helps me- not lose weight- but feel better. I have size 48DD boobs and so there are some poses that just don't work for me! We'll see...

I hope all is well with anyone who reads this- and if you are heading out on the Mayercraft carrier well FUCK YOU!
No just kidding, I mean have a nice trip!
Love,
Yourself

He's A Ok by the way

2008-01-18T12:13:00.000-08:00

Wow- have you ever listened to a song and heard something that you did not hear the first 1,000 times you played it? This happened to me again today- listening to John Mayer, live version of 83 on one of his AS/IS live compilations and well after he says Thinking about my brother Ben and how I miss him everyday- he looks just like his brother John with an 18 month delay..(and then JM says CLEARLY- "He's A Ok by the way".) Wow. I remember hearing that line for the first time in the original song thinking, aw, he must have lost a brother. (That was in 2001!) I've listened to this live version so many times and NEVER noticed that! It just goes to show that sometimes even though you think you know something or someone- you might not be processing ALL that they are.

It's Friday- I'm at work and I have that I don't want to work feeling once again. Going through the feelings I get every three months or so- I don't want to waste my life here! I know it's not too much to want to do something really fufilling with my life. Social work? Help the poor? Gosh there is so much that needs to be done. I know there is.

What I need to do is listen to my inner voice. The guiding voice that knows what I am supposed to do, supposed to be. I need to be quiet, and sit in peace and quiet and just listen. If hear something I will be sure to let you know!

Here's to a great weekend for everyone!
By the way...I am way over due for some LIVE John Mayer again. I need it! It's hard to believe that it has been almost one year since I got to meet him. Wow.

Later!
Love,
Yourself

Instead of Myspace...

2008-01-06T14:19:00.000-08:00

I am hemming my daughter's jeans myself!
I bought some crochet needles and yarn and I am going to learn to crochet!
I will start that novel that I have been dreaming about...
I will take a 30 minute walk everyday after dinner.

More to come on what I am doing with myself instead of MYSPACE.
Ha Ha
Happy 2008 everyone!
Love,
Yourself

Some randomness on this December 4th...

2007-12-04T11:18:00.000-08:00

Random notes- it's all I can muster.

I have such a headache- it's the kind that makes your stomach sick.

I'm really confused about what I want to do in my career- but I know I want to go back to school!

I have three interviews this week- I am so crazy!

Thanksgiving was great- so glad I didn't try to force forgiveness on my sister- she needs to come to it herself.

I don't feel like blogging anymore! Guess I better get back to work.

Love,
Yourself

No apologies neccessary

2007-11-19T12:43:00.000-08:00

Wow...so the job didn't happen. There are still so many lines out there-I'm ok with things here as they are as well. This is a great place to work and I feel like I can do so much good here- so we'll see where things take me!

I'm so excited for Thanksgiving. The colors of the leaves today on the way to work were just breathtaking! It's great that now I can look out of my kitchen window and instead of seeing broke down cars I get to see trees adorned in fall's beautful hues of yellow, orange and red. Such a blessing!

Did I mention anything about me wanting to ask my estranged sister to Thanksgiving? Well I didn't even get that far. Tried to add her as a myspace friend and got a bunch of balony back from her. Now the word is that she is "at peace" with never speaking to me again because she "prayed" about it. Wow. The God I pray to encourages love and forgiveness. I guess hers encourages grudges and hate. So, Thanksgiving is going to be great though. My family, my Mom & Dad, and my real sisters- Kim & Kate along with Kate's dude Thad. Thad's bringing mac & cheese so he is A-OK with me! In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for everything that God has given me- my health, my job, my family and friends. I am so blessed. So blessed.

Oh wow- I forgot to mention I got my hair cut! I need to get a new profile pic. It will be hard to change my JM encounter one, though. I mean, I MET him! If there is one thing that will be sad about it not being 2007 anymore is that it won't be the year that I met JM anymore. Pathetic? I don't think so!

Well just another sporadic update from the world's worst blogger.
Hope all in cyber space is well.

Love,
Yourself

Still no word

2007-10-26T06:36:00.001-07:00

Now I know what they mean when they say "Silence is deafening". I still have not heard from the place about the job I interviewed for 2 1/2 weeks ago. I am trying to be positive- but what would really suck is if I don't hear from them at all. Sure eventually I will forget about it- but supposedly they were to make their decision this week. It's Friday. Is it just me or does that mean their decision was not me?
Then there is always the possibility that this is not meant to be. Not for me. Someone else needs it more. Or dare I say deserves it more. I am open to that possibility. God always does lead me in the right direction- He just does. Still going through things it's hard to decide if I am always following the map right. I never was good with maps.
So...I am still waiting. There is a knot in my stomach everytime my supervisors door is shut- did they call her? Is she going to hit the roof when she finds out? Maybe. Or maybe, like the four other interviews I have been on, nothing will come of it. And I will keep trying- I sure will. I feel the tug, the pull, of a new direction. I have to go with it. Even though it would be so much easier for me to just stay in the easy- I need to jump into the hard. I don't know why- I just do.
Here's to me getting what I both deserve and desire. Let's hope they are the same things!
Love,
Yourself

It's been awhile...

2007-10-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's hard to believe it's been about three months since I blogged. Not a peep. Not a sound. I have been so out of it. It seems like I was in a big vat of jello- just trying to muck around in it, working my way slowly to the edge of this giant vat. Well some time has passed. The house thing all worked out Thanks be to God and so what happened after that? I got depressed. Don't know why. Starting looking for some other changes I could make- new job? The ever famous- Gah- I have to lose weight. Oh and my favorite- my sister whom I haven't spoken to in almost two years.
So..updates you say:
Well.. I have an exciting job prospect- waiting to hear the results early next week. I want it, then I don't, then I am scared, then I want it, then I love this job. Then I hate this job. I like the people I work with, then I can't stand them. Everything is really skewed here- sometimes I wonder if I am the only one in the "SANE" universe- living in opposite world. The lazy do nothings get kudos and no questions when they ask for something. Me-I get nickel and dimed over $5. It's crazy. I've made up my mind though. There is no more hanging on to what was. I am ready for what is to be. What I can be. Come on world. Challenge me!

Oh- and travel. It sucks, since my ass barely fits in the airplane seats (no I don't need a seatbelt extender- but still) I feel bad for the poor schmuck that has to sit next to me. I really do. I feel great about myself until I smoosh into a coach seat. But travleing with my new job I am sure will be in business/first class. Has to be. They got bucks. And oh my - Italy, Germany, Japan, Korea? Hell ya. This military brat needs that again. So here I am just filled with hopeful sadness!

So about my sister...I was just about to make that move. To give her a call maybe or send a note- to try to start communication. Then- she wigs out- makes some comments regarding the quote on my myspace page- that was NOT directed at her- and although I was not going to do anything back - I changed it- and she changed hers- called me a mediocre mind and well that was that. She "apologized" in her own way- but I am not really wanting to hear it. I guess we are set back a bit. I know what the right thing to do is, but the thing is, she and her husband are just not the kind of people that I WANT to spend my time with. That is sad. They don't get me and I don't get them. Each to their own, so why force it? Why lie, be fake? Let's be real. We don't get along. That's that.

Well I am at work. So I better get back to earning my pay.
Later y'all!

We got a contract, and, Have you seen this?

2007-07-26T14:11:00.000-07:00

That's right- the impossible happened- we got a contract on our house! So, now, just pray with me that the inspection & appraisal go just fine and we can move into our new house sometime in September. Wow what a process this has been. I know, it's not over yet!

Gotta get some things in order- what a whirlwind! Also, Mr. Loveyourself decided to go back to church with us. I am so thankful to God- really it was his own decision, something he wanted to do- and so we are going to a few differnt Catholic churches in the area before we decide which one we pick for "OUR" church. (Mr. Loveyourself doesn't like going on post to go to church- I can't say I blame him!)

And my last thing- have you SEEN this delicious pic of JM? Don't call it a comeback-he's been here for YEARS! YUMMY!

Love,
Yourself

What is up?

2007-07-20T06:29:00.000-07:00

Oh my. So now I understand. I understand what people, in their mid thirties (almost) mean when they say it's just all too much! I just can't hold it together! I almost understand those people who just say FUCK IT and give up. I am getting close to that point. Selling this house- keeping it spotless everyday cause you never know when you might get someone in who might just possibly by it. Then there is the where is my daughter going to school this year? I don't know! Where are we going to live until our new house is done? I don't know! And well all of this- makes me want to either get drunk (I never have been drunk-not even close) OR go on vacation. And neither one of those things is going to happen! Ugh. At least I have my Mayer - August 4th- two weeks from tomorrow. Thank goodness. I need that time- I won't think about anything else for that whole 110 minutes he is in front of us. I won't. I need to chill out and Mayer is just the guy to do it for me.

Gotta go-
Love,
Yourself

31 days!

2007-07-03T06:01:00.000-07:00

Now I feel like I can start looking forward to my next JM concert- August 4th in Pelham! My sisters are going with me- this is going to be their first JM concert and so I am excited for them- I am sure it won't be their last! We've got 6th row center for this one- I know those are good seats- but hell- once you sit 2nd row center- it's hard to move back 4 rows- it really is! But I hope he will look at us- give us the "Stare"- that would make it alright. I have been sending him an e-mail (you know, john@johmayer.com) every week or so- asking for him to play Covered In Rain for us. He has played it like four times (I think!) this tour- which is unheard of - so I pray that Pelham gets it to!

Well I have to get back to some things around the house. Working vacations suck- but at least I don't have to go to the office. I am glad to get to stay away this week.

Later!
Love,
Myself

Judge Not... Some good ol fashioned bible versin'

2007-06-26T12:21:00.000-07:00

King James Version: Matthew Chapter 7

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.

7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?

10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

Good advice. Basically - worry about your own self- mind your own business- don't be so darn judgemental! Ask for what you want in truth and you'll get it- eventually- if it is meant to be.
Wow. It's very simple in a complicated way.
God Bless!
Love
Myself

Just my luck!

2007-06-25T11:36:00.000-07:00

Looks like we have managed to list our house right when (I mean at the moment) that the real estate market around here decided to slow down. Just my luck!

We have had a drought around here where I live- it hasn't rained in weeks. We decided to stain our deck yesterday.. It poured before we got it finished. Just my luck!

I had a great appointment for my photo shoot for the interview I am doing with the local paper- 9am- my hair would be looking good still! My boss scheduled a staff meeting right on top of it and won't move it. The only other time is 3:00 pm. I am going to look like I just went swimming. Just my luck!

Nah, I really have to quit. I am lucky- for so many reasons. Just everyone once and a while the irony of my life events sometimes it gets to me.

It will all be alright though- I keep telling myself!
Love,
Myself

Dear...

2007-06-17T10:28:00.001-07:00

Dear... (Fill in the blank- Diet industry, fashion industry, skinny 20 something party girl...you name it!)

I want to tell you something. I know you have put a lot of work into me and it was your ultimate goal to have me hate myself so I would buy your products or make you feel more pretty- but I'm done. I am not going to hate myself anymore! You can turn your nose up at me when I show up at the park to walk. You can yell things at me out the window because you don't think I am good enough looking to be seen. But it won't stop me. It's not working anymore. I don't care if I can't wear the clothes you design. They are kind of freakish anyway. And I know your babydoll shirts make me look 9 months pregnant. I won't buy them anymore. And I don't believe that there is something so wrong with me that I need to take your experimental, non FDA approved (not that the FDA approval means it is safe by any means) diet drugs just because your "research" says that overweight people are going to die an early death. I won't hate myself anymore. I love myself. And whether or not each day I do the right things by my body I am trying. I am on a path and working and well it may not change me. In the end, I may still be fat. But I will love myself. I will.
That used to be my biggest fear- that maybe, just maybe, no matter how many carbs I ingest- no matter how many crunches I do, I might stay like this. The way God made me. Fat.
To quote JM-
"I'm in repair...I'm not together but I'm getting there"

Love,Yourself

One more reason why I love JM...

2007-06-17T06:07:00.001-07:00

Something I need to work on...

2007-06-15T20:15:00.001-07:00

I admit it. I have very little patience. I give up real easy. We were supposed to have a showing tonight- of our house for sale- and once again they cancelled on us. I am beginning to get fed up- wish I could just believe that everything is going to be ok- that it will sell in time, that everything will work out as it is supposed too- I just feel- unsettled. And a little lost.

Went to dinner with my father in law & his live in whatever she is. She had to bring up how much her daughter is going to be making (Same as me, by the way- but I didn't say anything) and then the kicker- apparantly her daughter is getting gastric bypass. So why she felt the need to tell me this I don't know- why do people do that? They think fat is unhealthy. Fat people are that way because they choose to be.

I am so over it. So over so much. I am still loving myself, but wishing I had more patience with people. People who piss me off.
Ugh. It's getting late. I'm tired.
I'm out.
Love,Myself

Love this!

2007-06-14T11:54:00.000-07:00

Let it go...

2007-06-14T11:53:00.000-07:00

Letting Go

Let it GO!

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you:
let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into
staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring
about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them
stay. Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it
just means that their part in the story is over. And
you've got to know when people's part in your story is
over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know
when it's over. Let me tell you something.

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong
to you and was never intended for your life, then you
need to ..LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and
revenge .
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or
addiction ...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets
your needs or talents ..
LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel
better...
LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken
relationship....
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even
try to help themselves..
LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....
LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things.

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short

got from www.myspace.com/miatyler

Back to salads- I love em!

2007-06-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

Well went on a walk today with my sister Kim. She is doing great- she has a new guy in her life and well I can tell she really likes him and from what she tells me he really likes her. I just pray to God he doesn't hurt her. I think though, from the way it is going, that he is really good for her. I pray they will last. Wouldn't that be sweet? He is like her 1st steady guy and if it works all the way that would be something else. There is something so neat about young love, romance. My Todd and I had the best young love romance. He really swept me off my feet- in the most wonderful way! It was a whirlwind- but was right. We have been married for almost 13 years now. Really something else. Before I met him I didn't know if I would ever fall in *real* love, ever get married, and I certainly didn't think I could handle having a baby. But, I did. And I did, and I did! Love is the reason for living. Plain and simple.
I don't want this to be a diet blog, per say, but I am refocusing on health, refocusing my attention on getting healthy- being more athletic, getting myself in the kind of shape that will be comfortable for me. My last post might have been a little aggressive as far as my ending weight. Really I just want to lose 10-15 lbs before my August 4th JM Concert. Then after that I would like to lose 20 more before I go to North Carolina for my membership conference. From then on I want to keep eating healthily 99% of the time, not gain any weight during the holidays, and make it to the BHR show weighing a good 70 lbs less than I do now. After that- I am looking for a summer trip- a cruise, or even a beach trip- to wear a bathing suit for the first time, to enjoy myself, to let myself enjoy the sun, sand & water. Because I can't remember the last time I was able to do that. Really is so sad.

So- here it is. If I reach my goal of losing 72lbs by May 1st 2008 I will go on a trip to Florida- and have the time of my life.
I am gonna do it!
Yipppeeee!
Love,
Yourself

Before & After

2007-06-11T13:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I have to say my "start of something good" has gone pretty good today! I did have a afternoon snack of whole grain wheat thins that wasn't planned. I think I need to eat more protein- I know that will keep me from getting hungry. The grapes today were delicious! The orange- not so much. I like fruit- I just need to get to the point where I CRAVE fruit. Not there yet. The soup didn't do it for me for lunch. I need more- a sandwich! With meat & cheese please! Well still- I did great. Great 20 min walk at Big Spring Park. Such a pretty place- I was surprised that there were not more walkers. Made me wonder if they knew something I didn't? Yikes! But only one homeless person did I see- and he wasn't concerned about my presence I tell you what. He has much bigger problems than my big butt strolling his way. I pray he is ok!

Well I went to my virtual model today and did a before & after model. I want to get down to 165 lbs by next year. I will get down to 165 lbs by next year. Gotta do it and get this weight literally off of me.
Here is me before and after. What do you think? I think Kerrie needs some new clothes! Oh and a cruise! Oh and a weekend beach trip! Oh and what ever else I want! Ha Ha
Wish me luck. I need it. But I also know what needs to be done. Less calories in- more calories out. I know how to do what I need to do.
I just have to do it!
Yes heart I will do it!
Love,
Yourself

Rules for loving yourself

2007-06-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

Well I need a refresher that is for sure. I have this blog, "Love,Yourself" and I have been doing the exact opposite. It has been like Hate me hate myself hate it all. I have to quit. It isn't getting me anywhere.

I've gained weight- like six lbs- and it's like- whoa- how did this happen?

I need to get back on track, pronto- stop feeling sorry for myself, stop being stressed about this house stuff and just stop worrying all together. My body responds to stress in the most horrific way. Ugh.

So- some rules of encouragement (engagement)

1. Stop talking about how much weight you need to lose. It is forbidden to mention this to anyone- even family.
2. There are to be no negative self remarks or self talk. If you go to say something like "I am so fat" or " I need to lose weight" or anything like that- IMMEDIATELY turn it in to a positive statement about yourself. Make this a habit. It's not being conceited- it's being your own best friend. Your greatest support- you HAVE to love yourself. Right now. As is. You don't know if tomorrow will come. Remember that!
3. Really- will losing that weight make you any happier? You have to cultivate your insides and have them reflect on your outside. Educate yourself, inspire yourself, love yourself and your family and watch the effects take place on the outside!
4. Stop saying one thing and doing another. If you want to get healthier- then don't eat unhealthily. If you want to get in shape, then put forth an effort to increase your activities. Take it slow- it will be a slow process- but you can change.

Now stop crying and appreciate this gift of a day that God has given you! Get on with being greatful & happy!
Love,
Yourself

P.S. Rule # 5- Read these rules daily- and go easy on yourself. You're the only one of you there is!

Rant- forgive me!

2007-05-29T14:07:00.000-07:00

Will anyone ever LOOK at our house???? Just heard back from the real estate agent and she couldn't get our lock box to work. So frustrating. Three weeks and not one showing. Two have fallen through. Lord, is there a reason? I know there always is. A lesson in everything. Keep praying. Keep positive. Keep it together. Whew. It could always be worse. I am praying for the one family who will love our house and want to buy it.

I hope they stop by soon.
Love,
Yourself

Feelin thankful...

2007-05-27T05:47:00.000-07:00

Wow- I am in a thankful mood this morning. Thankful for that first of all! (Much better than my negative moods or my worrying moods- those suck). I am so thankful-
- that my daughter loves her summer camp this year- Dublin Park- no tears, no guilt, no crying on my way to work for being a bad mom because I have to work and leave her alone all day!
- that someone is coming to look at our house this afternoon and altough this is going to be the first showing, I am thankful to at least have this one chance to sell.
- that EVERY time (no really- ask my family) I go into a store that has music playing, or a restaurant (except for LaPlacinta- they only play tejano) that a JOHN MAYER song plays for me! I must have a really great angel- I tell you what- I hear old stuff, new stuff, songs he never released as singles- everything. So thankful I get to smile about that!
-so greatful to have my health, a loving husband, beautiful & smart daughter & a job. Thanks be to God!
Love,
Yourself

Little Blessings-Big Blessings

2007-05-17T13:10:00.000-07:00

Well... we had our first "showing" of our house today. The real estate agent called me at 10:00 and I missed the call- then again at 12:30 saying that they would be there around 1:15! Oh my. So-- I rushed home, washed the few dishes that were in the sink, mopped up puppy prints, put away laundry, swished out the toilets, sprayed some good smelling stuff and let those dogs of mine outside with some water. Whew. It's amazing what you can get done when you give it some effort! Well I know it might be a long shot but maybe just maybe these people will want our house and offer us full price for it. Maybe. Lord please!

Well little blessings- people- people that truly care- that are sincere, sweet and just plain nice.I appreciate little old ladies who work hard for what they believe in and don't give a rats ASS if someone doesn't like it.

Big blessings- I am so blessed to be healthy- to have a healthy husband and daughter and to just have the job I have and well there isn't much else we can ask for. Lord thank you!

I love this blog- wish I remembered to go here more often and let some feelings flow. It does a heart good.
I'm feeling good right now. Hope this isn't the HIGH before the LOW. Guess I better not think negative. It's not good for me.
Later!
Love,
Yourself.

By the way- if someone is reading my blog- I would love to hear what you think. Even if you think I am a messed up piece of work. I would love to hear it.
Kerrie

OH and here is a picture of John's new do. Just love it! Just love him! AHHHHHHHH!!!

Little Update

2007-05-03T14:37:00.000-07:00

Well..what has been going on? A lot of the same...moving in the right direction I think. Let me do a brief update:
* Weight- Still the same weight- haven't gained! (but haven't lost any either)
* House- We marked the trees we wanted to keep on our pretty lot - they should be getting ready to start building our house, soon!
* Old House- We have a couple of big projects left to do and some minor packing up of extras- but we are getting close to that point of getting our house listed. I am going to bury my St. Joseph's statue and pray that we sell it QUICK!
* Job- Well, a new admin asst was hired and she is a good person- I think she will do fine. She and I get along- she is considerate- that is nice for a change!
I am thinking about just holding out here for as long as I can. No need to feel less than successful. My success does not lie in the job I hold anyway. It doesn't!
It also does not lie in the number on my scale or the size of my clothes or the balance of my bank account. Good things to remember when you are fat & broke.
* John Mayer- I still love him. I am happy he has found love. All I know is that when I met him- he was gracious, kind & looked even more handsome in person. I hope Jessica is doing him right. I didn't mean that literally so get ya head out da gutter.
* Me- still struggling with feeling less than adequate, a little under appreciated, and I still don't always get people but God has blessed me with so much. No need to worry- everything is going to be alright.
* Sister- She still hasn't made an effort to talk to me and well I am to the point where it doesn't seem to matter. I do wish her and her family the best- I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her- I love her from afar.
* Tonight- Is pizza & skating night. Let's hope I don't get sick!

Good day!
I SAID GOOD DAY!
Love,
Yourself

New House! UGH!

2007-04-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

Ok- so we did it. We decided to put $ down on a lot and we are having a house built- it'll be ready in six months! (October) So here it begins! We both worked until 10 pm last night boxing up books (that's what I did) and also I gave the dogs a bath and cleaned their area. Washed their beds, vacuumed, swiffered and mopped the floor where they stay. Boy did it need it! I did some laundry as well and tonight I have to work late so their isn't going to be any of that tonight! I have a couple more big boxes and some padding to wrap up my fancy plates- so this weekend we will tackle that. I don't know how long this is going to take! But lucky us. We are so blessed. I pray that we sell our house within the required four months and that we get enough money to pay what we need to pay. Wouldn't that be great.
Yes it would.
Thanks be to God!
Love
Yourself

10 Things I love about me

2007-04-11T10:25:00.000-07:00

I am so bad about negative self talk. I have wanted to be thin my whole life and you guessed it- I have been a chubby girl my whole life. Now it's time to let that go. I have to be me and I have to love me as I am right now. It's the least I can do! I had a great discussion with my husband last night about God, the world, the end of the world and living life for the right reasons, the right way. God knows I am not perfect! But, God made me. As I am. And he loves me unconditionally. I need to love myself in the same way. So- here is a list of ten things I love about me:

1. My great sense of humor!
2. I am intelligent
3. My liberal views (I'm right by being left!)
4. My Catholic faith and belief in God, Jesus & the Blessed Mother
5. I have beautiful eyes
6. My lips are perfect
7. Blonde hair is best
8. I'm good at my job
9. I have so much potential
10.I picked a great husband and made a beautiful daughter

Ok that list is a little whacked. But it is a start. I am going to stop myself whenever I want to say something negative to myself. I am beautiful. I am gorgeous just like I am. I don't need to be skinny to love myself.
Ah. Freedom.
Love,
Yourself

Breathe, Focus, Visualize

2007-03-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

Ok- so I am feeling a little stressed today. It's been awhile since I have felt this way. But, it's back. I have a lot going on this week- an event next week, and just annoying things to do here since we don't have a receptionist anymore. She quit! Lucky her!

Really though I just thought I would blog for stress relief. Just let it all flow out. I am ready for something new, I think. I am ready for my next adventure. I hope I don't make a mistake- but I think it is time ta go. Now that all depends on if anything is offered to me! So far, it's been kind of dry around here. But, I gotta keep going. Keep striving, keep working. I need to be happy in the now, though. Not just waiting for that elusive big break.

So, I am breathing, focusing, and visualizing this work all done and behind me. Everything is successful. I am really going to be ok!

Love,
Yourself

Confused? ME TOO!

2007-03-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

Well.. had another visitor today. She came in to the office, asked for some information, I could see that she was a Realtor, and after I gave her what she needed- she blurted out: "How come you are not a Realtor?". I have never met this girl before. She really didn't even know my internal struggle. I am sure that God sends me these angels/messengers and well I can't for the life of me figure out what he wants me to do. Lord, help me see clearly where you want me to go. Now I had all but written off the possibility of REALTORness especially yesterday after I went to Renee's open houses. She didn't have the most positive things to say about Real Estate. And now I have this girl. Man. I am confused. I guess it is better to question than to just be complacent. I am rambling now, aren't I? So many choices. College? Real Estate school? Government Job? Children's Book Author? Lover of all things? I don't know what to do with myself. I guess when I stop caring about what to do with myself is when I need to start worrying. This must be a mid-life crisis. What to do with my life. What to do. I will keep everyone (yes- I'm talking to myself, aren't I?) posted with what I decide.
Lord help me.
Love
Yourself

Say What?

2007-02-14T13:12:00.000-08:00

Some people... Are not considerate. Some don't do a great job. Some are content with putting their job off on others. Ugh. It's not right. It's not fair. But it's the way it is. I feel really confused, again. It's like I have to make a decision. What am I going to do? What am I going to be when I grow up? I really never felt like I had the liberty to make such decisions as that when we were desperate for money (or more like spending way more than we should have). Now things have settled. Ya, the dust has settled. We are in such a good place financially. And now the choices have surfaced. I can go to school. I can get a new house. Do I want another baby? Oh my gosh. I feel compelled to plan things out- when Lord knows that the best laid plans... don't mean shit.
I've got to do some thinking. Real Estate & Building- it has been a big part of my life for the past six years. I have gotten to know this industry and love it. I need to decide if it is where I want to stay. Do I want to take a gamble and stay here? I don't know. Things could change (personnell wise) and we could actually have fun. We could be a great place to work again. But do I want to hold out (years) for that? I don't know. I just don't.
I've got to go. I do have work to do. I will keep on doing the best I can. I just need to keep my eyes open.
And my mouth shut.
Love,
Yourself

Angels Among Us

2007-02-12T08:28:00.000-08:00

God,
Thank you for sending me an angel today. Her eyes weren't like other people's eyes- that's what gave her away. I pretended not to notice but I did. I know you sent her to me for a reason. I have been worried about what my boss is going to say to me in my review and well she came in and really laid out so many good points- from her belief in you- to the struggle that life is- to not taking what an employer says about you personally. She said she herself had been let go from three (or four) jobs- I hope this doesn't mean I am going to be fired! But if so God, I get the message. Events, people, everything and every body that comes into our lives is there for a reason. She said that there is something wrong with an employer who has a revolving door of employees. She is right. God- I am trying to find meaning in my world- I am keenly aware of your blessings. I am trying God- you know how imperfect I am. Lord please help me to do better. Like I prayed in church yesterday- help me to be a better person. I want to be good- I want to be free. Lord whatever happens I am going to do my best to keep myself grounded. To keep my feet planted firmly in your love and not let mean, derrogatory, or just plain rude statements hit me in the heart. I won't do it any longer. I am going to keep standing up for what I believe is right- and although it is a change for me- I am going to keep myself to myself. God, thanks again for thinking of me today. I will try to think of you more often when dealing with things that are too big for me.
Love,
Kerrie

Changes.

2007-02-08T10:02:00.000-08:00

Well this is going to sound corny as hell-but here goes nothing. I am a changed woman. Since meeting John Mayer especially. Now, don't go thinking that I am some lunatic crazy obsessed fan. I'm not a lunatic! Here's what I'm feeling. I feel like I have a chance. A chance to do something GREAT. A chance to be happy - everyday in everyway. I don't have to be satisfied with less than 100% me. I feel, for once, inspired- to move ahead- to get ahead of myself- to catch up. I really don't plan on compromising what I want, anymore. I don't feel afraid of people telling me no. I am going for it. This feeling has been stirring in me for some time now (as my previous blogs have indicated) but really now- it is out. Up front. On top. At the surface. I can see it, feel it, touch it, hear it, smell it, live it. And I love it. I am going to be the best me. While you were, say you did. As JM himself has said.
Wow. So what does all of this mean? Well for starters- I gotta revamp my www.43things.com list. I have met so many of the goals this past year! Wow. That is like a magic list for me. Oh and new job. As scary as that sounds- it's gotta happen. I can't move on here- there is too much of the old me here. The one who lets people tell her what to do. I need to start over. I have so much to look forward to. I need this. My daughter needs this- she needs this great example of living life 100% in the now. Making dreams come true. Making me - me.
God has blessed me so much. It was all so surreal- but at the same time- everyone there looked familiar. Like angels- like people I would someday know and love in another time. Ok that might be too far out for some. But it's real. LORD HELP ME! HERE I COME!
Love,
Yourself

HELLO JOHN!

2007-02-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

I did it. I met him. last night. I can only. Type three word. Sentences now for. Some reason I. Don't Know Why.
No really- it was wonderful- he was cool- I love me some Mayer.
Here's the pic- it says it all.

LOVE YOU JOHN!

It's gonna happen!

2007-01-31T08:22:00.000-08:00

I am so excited right now I can hardly sit here and type this. Me. Just me. And I am going to meet John Mayer. Sure I get teased- I mean I am a 33 year old mother and I am obsessed with a musician. So what. Life is so short. And there are fewer and fewer pleasures in life. I don't plan on missing out on any of those pleasures any longer. Lord knows I have some dreams, hopes, plans. I want to meet him. It will be so nice to post the pic of me & him on this blog, oh and on myspace! God help me if the picture doesn't come out.
Anyway- just an update. I haven't blogged in awhile. Work is chaotic and basically uncertain right now. I am really evaluating what I want to be and do. I know whatever it is it will involve me going back to school of some sort and getting some piece of paper that says, yes, indeed, that I am worthy.

Well... see you Monday John Mayer!
Kerrie

Blue girl in a Red State

2007-01-18T10:15:00.000-08:00

Lawd...help me! It's so hard living in the South. What do I mean by that? Let me rephrase this- it's so hard being a Catholic Liberal democrat and live in the South.It is. I am a minority. I don't want my daughter to get tainted views from the public school she goes to. My worst nighmare- booger, now age 16, runs in the house- yells something about "Roll Tide" and "Daddy, can I go to the Klan rally with my bff Katie and her racist redneck boyfriend? He has a two ton truck and he doesn't drive all that fast since his tabacco gets on him when he spits it out the winder if he goes too fast. Oh and have you seen my "left behind" book? I need it for bible study tonight".

Now don't get me wrong here. I don't think every southerner is racist or a redneck- but let me tell you- they are a lot around here and well I know there are racists everywhere (I am answering my critics before they even point out their problems with this post, aren't I?) but the thing is... it is more overt around here. And well, if I see another W sticker or a "If you don't support the President you aren't supporting the troops" bumper sticker, I think I might puke. I really might.

I'm done. I get brief visits from members who are from Ohio, or Michigan, or some where like that and they breathe new life in me. Feels like home. Thanks you guys for keeping me in touch with my ways! I know some might not understand me and that's ok too.

Hypnotists..and other rare oddities

2006-12-13T04:21:00.000-08:00

Well... so we had our Christmas Gala on Friday. Did I tell you that we hired a hypnotist? Well, we did. Ummm.... it was interesting? I can't knock it- some how I ended up having to do this party even though I'm not the event coordinator. I don't understand what has been happening at work but that is a whole 'nother post. Any who- it might have worked on me, if it weren't for the blaring of the music next door. Imagine a hypnotist, telling you to relax, focus, imagine (insert image here) and all you can here is "SWEET HOME ALABAMA! LORD I'M COMIN HOME TO YOU" and the rhythmic beating of a drum and strum of a guitar. That's how bad it was. Two people did go under. (I hope I don't owe them any money- I don't think we paid anyone to fake it!) and well it was still good. But sheesh. Turned out, just like I thought- the hypnotist was a bad idea for a Christmas party. Guess it's my fault. (I don't care anymore- I really don't) Gotta focus on things I can control and well finally, at age 33 I have learned that I cannot control what other people think of me! I can't! And well it's none of my business what other people think of me. It's not.

I'll have more later- especially after I go through some more family holiday stuff.
Love,Yourself

Well damn.

2006-11-28T09:32:00.000-08:00

Damn if I didn't go and do exactly the opposite of what I said I was going to do on Sunday. Got up Monday- weight was up a pound and it felt like I got hit in the gut. Then began the stress of the morning- lunches not made, clothes not picked out, dogs not fed, clothes on the floor, ironing to be done, and well then I started thinking about what is ahead of me at work. And it got to me. I yelled at booger. Yelled at the dogs. My heart rate got up real high and I felt dizzy. I stressed all the way to work in slow moving, agonizing traffic. I didn't feel good- got home last night and complained about the dinner my husband had cooked- and then started all over again this morning! Enough is enough! It is all going to be ok. There is nothing worth stressing over- especially this job. I seriously doubt these people stress over stupid stuff like I do. It really isn't worth it. I'm ending it now.I am telling myself- out loud- it will all be ok. There is nothing to worry about. I will get done what I need to get done. I will work everything out and I will do the best that I can. I am able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, now. This is the holiday season. Lord- get me through this. Take the burden off of me please! Ok- wow much better- believe it or not. It's a miracle! Seriously, though- I have a plan. Get lunches made the night before. Booger gets her shower the night before. Clothes picked out, ironed, what ever else the night before. Also, I need eight hours of sleep- and I need to make it count. Relax. Enjoy. It's all ok.

Anxiety behind me. I see sunshine now. YA!
Love,
Yourself

Weight-WAIT!

2006-11-26T12:09:00.000-08:00

"How do I stop myself from being just a number?" - (JM-VULTURES)

I gotta remember this line tomorrow morning. When I jump out of bed- go pee and immediately head for the scale. What does it tell me? I am up a pound? Down two pounds? What I need to realize is that I am so much more than that number. Life is short- what a cliche but damn if it isn't true. I have time. I do- hopefully- have time to slowly lose this extra weight and to save money for retirement and to live my dreams. It's gonna take time, however. I am not going to agonize for each minute, second, until I get there. I refuse to make the same mistakes that I have seen others make. Never happy with their weight. Never happy at all. I am not going to be that kind of example for my daughter. She is my bright sunshiny star and I will be happy for her and for me and for my husband. That's it. Ya gotta make a decision and stick to it. I have decided to do this. Now I have to get going- there are plans to be made, smiles to share and I am going to bake a turkey. I know- Thanksgiving was a few days ago but we love turkey.
Love yourself. Always.
Love,
Yourself

Rest In Peace, Gramma

2006-11-24T19:04:00.000-08:00

Today, my grandmother, Ruth Gustafson, passed away. I didn't really know how sick she was- she didn't suffer, at least not long, and it turns out she had lung cancer. No one knew. I guess she didn't either. This is my Dad's Mom. My grandfather passed away some eight years ago. I didn't go to his funeral and it looks like I won't be going to hers either. See, we live in Alabama and they are in the UP of Michigan. It's about more than that, however. There is more than a physical distance between there and here. There is an emotional distance as well. My Dad isn't close to his brothers/sisters (well one brother he is closer to but that's about it). As a military family- we had each other and that was about it. No cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents (my mother's parent's died when she was 19 & 24- I didn't know either of them). But anyway- I can count the number of times that I spent with my grandmother on my two hands. But these last visits, where she and booger got to spend time together were the best. I realized that I loved her and that she was a good person after all and well if that isn't something good I don't know what is. I pray to God that she is with Him in heaven now. With my Grandfather - and that peace surrounds her, holds her and loves her eternally. And I pray that my father is going to be ok through all of this. His love for my Mom and me & my sisters and my daughter is felt- and I hope he knows that we understand that he is hurting now. I don't know what to say to him- but I will pray that he is comforted in his loss. It's my loss too, but mostly his.

We still decorated the tree today. Booger loves Christmas and I know that my grandma would have wanted us to keep up our traditions. This Christmas we will remember grandma- everyday we will. No regrets Grandma. No regrets.
Love
Kerrie

It's me-at 33!

2006-11-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

Well today is my 33rd birthday! WOW! Happy Birthday to me! (Is it wrong to tell yourself Happy Birthday? - HOPE NOT!) I have to say- this has been a good year for me. With all the good healthy habits I am working on making a permanent part of my life and also with the great times my family and I have had (Trip to Atlanta to see JM with my husband was a WONDERFUL perfect weekend trip). Had a blast and really felt so loved and so close to him. And the San Antonio trip that we took recently was great too. There's nothing that can compare to having a great time with your family. It truly is wonderful. I am looking forward to many more trips together!
Booger and I are going to see John Mayer again on the 5th of February- he is actually coming to H-town and well we are going to be in the 2nd row. My first concert was Olivia Newton-John and well my daughter is getting to see JM. Wow. She is going to love it, as will I! 2007-I'm ready for you. I am ready to put 2006 to bed with a nice celebration of the holidays and then I will welcome you with open arms. I will make my dreams come true and 33 just may be the year that I do what I was meant to do and be what I was meant to be. ME!
LATER-Ker

Focus on the positive

2006-11-08T12:22:00.000-08:00

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you and just when you think everything is going good- BAM you get a reality check that reminds you that there is still work to be done. I am a work in progress, I am in repair, and I know that for everyday I have not talked to my sister or seen my niece, there has been a lesson for me. A lesson in humility. In grudges. In what I could have done differently. But still- there is also something to be said about sticking up for yourself. For staying true to what you believe in and even when others are pushing you to do something or be something you are not- you can stand your ground. I really never did. And although people have said I am stubborn (and who knows what else) You know when you keep something inside and you deny it, and you keep it from getting to the surface- well eventually it is going to boil over. That's what happened. My mind took an opportunity to send my mouth a message and my mouth took the opportunity to stick up for my husband and Dad. And who is suffering? Only me. But really-I'm not suffering. I'm growing. I'm dealing. I am so thankful for everything that I have that I cannot really regret anything. I'm not sorry I spoke up. Someone had too. I said what everyone was thinking, but was afraid to say- and they were right not too. Because speaking up got me punished! And they were not willing to sacrifice seeing that baby. I wasn't willing to sacrifice that either- I didn't know what would happen but I never thought my own sister would demand an apology before I could see my niece. Boy was I wrong. I didn't know her husband would write a scathing letter to my Mom-but I was wrong about that too. I never asked to see the e-mails that were sent back and forth between my Mom and her- I really didn't think it was my business. Little did I know that I was involved. I was in the center of something that I have not been able to let go of for 10-11 months. But I am about to. With writing this I am saying goodbye. I am letting go. Only God knows if we'll ever talk again. If we'll ever be friends. I don't know. I don't know. I am a good person. I love God too. And I love my sister and my niece. Just from a far. When I can't get hurt - where I can easily be myself, not someone else. God, I thank you for this lesson. I know there are many lessons in this situation and I hope that I can somehow make the best of it. Someday.

What is it

2006-11-04T16:17:00.000-08:00

That keeps me wanting to stay away from them? Because I think they are toxic? Yes. Because everytime I am around them I get irritated, uncomfortable, offended? I know I am part of the problem. I guess I am just not ready to address that part yet. I don't want to make up. I'm not ready to back down. I feel like I don't really want to be friends with them ever again. How wierd is that? It just is what it is. Man, I didn't see this coming. I didn't think I would be in a family like this. But I am. My husband is in the same boat. But he has lost his Mom and his brother (death). His Dad & he are not that close and well the people in his Dad's life are making him uncomfortable. The man in my sister's life has totally ruined our sisterhood. Our friendship. It is what it is. We aren't friends anymore. I said it. Wow. Feels kind of good. No expectations - no fake remorse - nothing. Just let it be. Let go. Let God. I can't worry about what others think of me. I really can't.
What a Saturday.

Gotta Getcha Head in the Game

2006-11-03T06:42:00.000-08:00

My daughter, "booger" as I call her on blogger is 8. She loved the movie Highschool:The Musical. I admit- I watched it with her. And one song stood out- for me. Gotta getcha head in the game. (or "da game" as I should probably write) What a true song. It needs to be my anthem. Lately, I have been meandering through life- just making it day by day and well although I have had some good adventures here and there, mostly it has just been a mundane day to day existance. Am I living it right? (John Mayer asks in WHY GEORGIA) and well I ask myself that question all the time. I guess when I stop asking is when I should worry, huh? I don't know much- but I know that I have a wonderful family. (Well most of them are wonderful) and well I know that I love my husband and daughter with everything I have. I just don't want to admit to myself that this is it for me, though. I know there is so much more out there. God, if you can hear me typing this blog, help me figure out what it is I am being called to do. I am talking about real world beneficial stuff. Things that make the world a better place and help me to feel fufilled at the same time. I want to get to heaven. I do. I just don't want to spend my time on earth just sitting at this desk wishing I were somewhere else. God help me. There is a lady here in this office who has worked here for 19 years. That's so long to me! I am looking at 6 years in January. Hard to believe. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I started off as the receptionist just to make some extra cash and well someone started living and spending like we had unlimited money and now I have to work here. Two promotions later I am neck deep in work (half of it should be done by another staff person- just like I did it when I was in her place) but that is a whole other story. Gotta get my head in the game. Gotta get my head in the game. I will do this. I will figure it all out. I will make it.
See ya there.

Sometimes I wonder...

2006-10-30T10:16:00.000-08:00

I am on the only one paying attention? Am I the only one who is keenly aware of each day as it passes and am I the only one who laments another day gone by that was not spent doing what I know I should be doing? What should I be doing? Well.. that's complicated. Writing. Making money by doing something I love. Relaxing. Sight seeing. Ahh... I know what you're thinking. I need to appreciate the job I have. Appreciate the regular paycheck. I know you are right. Deep down I know I've got it made. Some are out there struggling for each morsel of food they eat- they can't hardly keep up with the bills and who knows what else they are dealing with- I KNOW that I am blessed. Believe me. Just that still doesn't keep me from wanting even more. Not more material things. No way. Just some "freedom". Some I don't have to get up at a certain time. Maybe a little bit of laziness. Tossed in with some real productive daydreaming and a whole lot of family time. Is it wrong to want to pick my daughter up from school- when school gets out- not two 1/2 hours later? No it's not. But, again- we are so blessed. She is ok. I am ok. My husband is ok. What more can we ask for?
So.. I will sit at this desk another day. Convincing people that walk in to join for only $450.00 and they will do it and I will smile and the world will go on.
Doesn't mean I am not still dreaming of what else could be....

COMMENTS

2006-10-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

Ok I am a loser but I am so stoked I got a comment! TWO comments. Thanks Kathrin from Austria! I appreciate it!

Well... what's new here? Got back from San Antonio on Tuesday- what a great trip. It felt blessed from the beginning. It really did. I learned some good stuff at the conference- of course doesn't seem like I am going to get a whole lot of support in implementing what I learned- but I can try. The level of enthusiasm here just doesn't seem to match mine. Maybe it's me. Maybe I am just on OVERDRIVE and the others are in the slow lane. I don't know. Doesn't matter. Really I have to separate my standards for living and the fact that this job, although it can be rewarding, is really just for the purpose of my paycheck. That's it. And so, I will drudge on all the while dreaming of winning the Mega Millions. Or getting my book published. I'll tell you about my children's story some other time.

Ok.. so I overate while on vacation. Who doesn't? I mean- we found the greatest Mexican restaurant in San Antonio- SAULSALITO's and well we went twice. Also hit the Cracker Barrell twice (I needed some real sweet tea, since I am now a tea drinker). But, the good part is that we walked our behinds off. Went to Sea World- walked a couple of miles. Went to the Riverwalk- walked a couple of miles- at the Alamo too. We just walked and walked and walked. So no weight gain. But no loss either. Back to counting calories. www.calorie-count.com says that if I eat 1650 calories that I can get down to 159 by May of 2008. A year and a half? Not too bad. 1650 calories? That's not starving by any means! I'm going to try to do it. Going to eat a larger breakfast, a decent lunch, and leave salads and lighter fare for my dinner choices. I need to keep the calories under that umbrella. Saturday's are gonna be my free days- I am gonna eat what I want on Saturdays and leave the strictness for the rest of the days. Sundays @ Burger King are going to have to be salads for me. Oh, and maybe I will split a donut at church. That's it. Lord knows it isn't going to be easy but I really think I can do it. Next year, when I fly to Charlotte, I might not be sitting next to my husband or daughter- so I might need to not be so wide as to not encroach on the person next to me. That is just rude.

Well I better get back to work. Nice to meet you Kathrin! Spater!

JOHHHNNN MAAAYYYERR-Comfortable

2006-10-18T10:31:00.000-07:00

Well I went- went to see John Mayer on the 14th at Chastain Ampitheatre in Atlanta.. It was wonderful. He is still wonderful, in case you were wondering. I love that he opened with belief- that is really my favorite song on Continuum. David Ryan Harris was excellent as his opening act (he's also in his band). I have to get his cd's- add it to my list of things I want to get! Well anyway-the concert was too short for me- even though it was 40 degrees and this was an outdoor ampitheatre. I would have thought it was too short even if it would have gone on for 3 hours though- cause I love me some Mayer.

The best part was the encore for me. He came out, grabbed his acoustic- I hollared out "COMFORTABLE" and I hollared it out TWICE and well he said "Y'all are making me feel all nostalgic"- then asked his guitar tech for his caepo and proceeded to play- yep you guessed it-COMFORTABLE. Oh man. I almost cried. How cheesy is that. I know. I'm a grown woman. But I love me some Mayer. I love my husband much more for taking me there- and sitting through the concert with me and just loving me. We had a wonderful, happy weekend. I didn't want it to end. We took the scenic route to Atlanta and it ended up being the best way we have ever gone. Thank you God for this great weekend. And well tomorrow the three of us are off to San Antonio (Me, my husband and my daughter- who I will affectionately call "booger" on this blog for anonymity). This is going to be booger's first plane trip so let's hope she doesn't spew. So, I won't be posting for awhile- but I 'll catchya again next week.

I love my husband's eyes...

2006-10-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but today I had an image of my husband's gorgeous blue eyes. More than ever I notice just how handsome he is and his eyes are so honest, so blue, so true. Gosh it's great that I love my husband. I know that sounds like a wierd statement- but I do. So many people aren't in love with the ones they married and so I would like to just say today- I thank God for leading me to my husband. I thank God for our marriage. We have been married for a little over 12 years and they have been wonderful, happy, beautiful years. I would just like to say to my husband (who has no idea that I even have this blog) - darlin- I love ya. MWAAHH.

John Mayer...you wonderful, wonderful man

2006-10-11T13:52:00.000-07:00

I love John Mayer. I do. I am so excited- I've got great tickets to see him at Chastain in Atlanta this Saturday! I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait. I have seen him once before in concert (live) in Birmingham in 2003. The best concert I have ever been to. The man is just wonderful. I don't know how else to say it. Yeah he totally trips when he writes his blogs (Johnmayer.com) but you know what- I like it! The man is talented in more ways than one. I think of him as like a word artist. He can work some words.

John- if you google yourself, or put your own name in the search engine of blogger.com and somehow seredipitously come across this blog- please know how much I love you , and please play COVERED IN RAIN for me. Oh and say my name in a song- that would be ultra cool. I don't mean the verb carry- I mean KERRIE.

Ok. One of those fake conversations just happened again. I don't care. Take it or leave it. Like I said it doesn't appear as if anyone is reading this anyway!

Can you be fit & fat?

2006-10-11T11:41:00.000-07:00

Heck I don't know... last year, when I went for my physical- the doctor, of course, brought up the fact that I am fat as hell. Well he didn't say it exactly that way but shit he myswell have! Anyway, I told him- I don't eat all that much! I told him that I don't eat a salad for lunch every day- but I am still not raking in twinkies and doughnuts and chips and fries and all that good stuff! (By the way- I have been having a salad for lunch everyday for the past two months and I haven't lost a pound!). But anyway- my blood pressure- just fine and dandy- my blood sugar levels- great- and my other markers-even cholesterol all within normal ranges. My triglycerides were like 15 above the normal level- but still nothing to get excited about. But I am still fat. He still had to say something. He had my thyroid levels checked and well they were normal (DAMN) no really. I'm not exactly running marathons (of course I haven't tried to train for one) but I seriously think that I am fit. I love to read those studies that say obesity isn't really a factor in early death. And that people can be fit and fat. I want to live a long life. I have stopped drinking sodas (diet or non) and I have increased my water intake, my leafy green vegetable consumption and I take my vitamins! I guess only time will tell if God just made some of us larger than others- since the beauty of the world lies in the variety of its inhabitants. Of course that doesn't mean I don't plan on reducing my calories to 1600 starting January 1 2007.
Just in case there's a chance for me....

What if...

2006-10-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

You know those imaginary conversations you have with people in your mind- people you work with, or people who cut you off in traffic- or heck- even famous people you have yet to meet? What if we all spoke those unspoken conversations? Gosh the world would be a different place. I know my world would be. I don't like conflict. I really don't- I seem to generate conflict sometimes- I guess we all do. I mean, humans, by nature, are full of conflict. I felt conflicted about getting up and coming to work today!
Anyway- my imaginary conversations- they might mean I'm crazy- I don't know. I sure would like to tell a couple of people here a few things. Like lighten up. I mean come on. I just had a conversation with a co-worker. Basically it said- If you are going to be a bitch to me- then don't come ask me for help when you don't know what the fuck you are doing. You've been here for a year- figure it out.
Now- would I ever say that? Heck no. I need this job. $16 bucks an hour is not flush- but heck I don't really think I can make more at this point and time. Now once I win the lottery- or when I get my book published- I will freely say "Fuck you very much". But until then... I will smile. Real big. My husband taught me a code- when I want to say "FUCK YOU" to someone- I can just say "THANK YOU". In a pleasing pleasant tone. I might even say- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Ok- I've done enough for today. I guess I need to get back to work. I don't know. Whatever.

Ok- so my name isn't Kiki

2006-10-09T12:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know what freaked me out about posting my real name on my blogs. Just wondered if someone would recognize me and then all of sudden know how I really spend my days! Guess if it doesn't say my real name, I can be more honest. But it's still hard!
Ok, my name is K..er..rie.....Ok I said it. It's over. Now ya know! No one is commenting anyway- so fuck it.

SHOES!

2006-09-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

Margaret Cho's blog turned me on to this and now I can't get the dumb song out of my head! I know there are some f*bombs in it- but aside from those words- which I know offends some people- trust me- my own sister won't talk to me since I stood up to her and her husband when he was jumping on my Dad and husband for saying "shit" at the dinner table. Ya- I know- had something to do with "us getting in the habit of not saying them around their daughter- who was 2 months at that time- anyway- sorry if the words offend you- if they do- turn it off

SHOES-LET's Get some!

Ok it's one of those days. I am still in a wonderful mood. I told you those Monday Thunderstorms just get me going. I know why I am so happy. It's going to be a high of 73 today-I should have called in sick. But I couldn't. My husband brought up the Karma thing- he says it's wrong to call in sick when you aren't sick. I know lying is wrong. But sheesh- we only have one life. I wanted to enjoy this day so bad. I am trying to enjoy it cooped up in this office but I don't know yet.

A thunderstorm on Monday... LUCKY OMEN

2006-09-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

Ok I might be wacked out of my mind. But I love thunderstorms on Mondays. When I am at work. I don't know what it is... I just feel like it is my lucky day or something! I actually feel sad now that the rain is starting to taper off. I do. I want it to rumble, crash and pour. All day. Or at least until 4:55- and then it can stop so I can drive home uninhabited. uninhibited. Well you know what I mean. This is going to be a good week. I feel a "sick" day coming on- just you watch! Life is too short- everything does happen for a reason so I am going to make this Monday storm a reason for me to feel great!

Wish I understood astrology!

2006-09-18T10:35:00.000-07:00

Wow. 2006 must have been a year of change in my stars. I mean I just feel this sense of "hell ya- I'll try it" - and a lot of "new me" type changes I have tried to make in the past this year have stuck. Like today marks my third week without any carbonated beverages. No biggie, you say? Well for me, a person who has been drinking soda of some sort for the past 25 years and not just drinking a little but drinking A LOT- this is a major, major deal. I also started eating salads a few months ago and have been having one for lunch everyday. This is someone who NEVER ate a salad in her life. Heck I don't know what the deal is. I feel like I just want to be healthier. I want to look and feel better! I am still struggling with food issues. The issue is I eat too much. I love food. It's my drug. In due time, though. In due time. I am gonna drop some of this weight. I think my plan is going to be to lose 10 lbs- 10 times. What do you think? What if I lost 10 lbs and just waited and see what it took to maintain that loss for awhile , and then decided that I needed to drop another ten and so on. And I did that ten times in the next ? years- well I could get to my ultimate healthy weight goal that would make even the rudest doctor proud. I gotta make myself proud first. I should be so proud of what I have done so far but damn't I keep thinking- well you're still fat. I gotta quit that. I know negative self talk can ruin anyone's psyche. I am going to quit the negative self talk. I am going to wake up saying to myself- hello beautiful blonde- (I am) and remind myself how far I have come. Yeah. That's my new project. Besides getting on the treadmill tonight when I get home. Gotta do it. 30 mins a day for now. Well with everything going on in the world- I don't think I am ready to not have a bowl of choc chip ice cream after dinner. I don't know what one has to do with the other- but I am just not ready. I will be before 07- you can bank on that! (I'm a Scorpio by the way). Any other Scorpio's feeling the same as me?

Isn't anything sacred anymore?

2006-09-14T14:09:00.000-07:00

Well here it is. I'm leaving myspace and jumping over to blogger.com. I want a place to post my thoughts- but I need to keep somethings to myself. Some things are better left unsaid. And unseen. I promise I am not going to take a picture of myself with my cell phone in the bathroom mirror and post it. At least not today. You may have to deal with me going on and on about John Mayer because- well I am obsessed with him. I just am.

I had a lot of ideas about what I was going to blog about while I was driving in to work this morning. That is my "think" time. I need to quit doing that though because I totally did not remember getting to my exit this morning. Must have zoned out. Accidents happen that way- shit I want to live. No more thinking while I am driving. Then I will be just like the rest of the unthinking world.

Ok back to blogging. I am going to keep some things to myself for sure. I have a lot of journals that I plan on taking a pen too- those that are for my eyes only- but the rest I am going to put on here. Let me know what ya think!
I know there is nothing lamer than a blog about blogging so I am going to hang it up now. Peace.