Changes.

Well this is going to sound corny as hell-but here goes nothing. I am a changed woman. Since meeting John Mayer especially. Now, don't go thinking that I am some lunatic crazy obsessed fan. I'm not a lunatic! Here's what I'm feeling. I feel like I have a chance. A chance to do something GREAT. A chance to be happy - everyday in everyway. I don't have to be satisfied with less than 100% me. I feel, for once, inspired- to move ahead- to get ahead of myself- to catch up. I really don't plan on compromising what I want, anymore. I don't feel afraid of people telling me no. I am going for it. This feeling has been stirring in me for some time now (as my previous blogs have indicated) but really now- it is out. Up front. On top. At the surface. I can see it, feel it, touch it, hear it, smell it, live it. And I love it. I am going to be the best me. While you were, say you did. As JM himself has said.
Wow. So what does all of this mean? Well for starters- I gotta revamp my www.43things.com list. I have met so many of the goals this past year! Wow. That is like a magic list for me. Oh and new job. As scary as that sounds- it's gotta happen. I can't move on here- there is too much of the old me here. The one who lets people tell her what to do. I need to start over. I have so much to look forward to. I need this. My daughter needs this- she needs this great example of living life 100% in the now. Making dreams come true. Making me - me.
God has blessed me so much. It was all so surreal- but at the same time- everyone there looked familiar. Like angels- like people I would someday know and love in another time. Ok that might be too far out for some. But it's real. LORD HELP ME! HERE I COME!
Love,
Yourself

HELLO JOHN!

I did it. I met him. last night. I can only. Type three word. Sentences now for. Some reason I. Don't Know Why.
No really- it was wonderful- he was cool- I love me some Mayer.
Here's the pic- it says it all.

LOVE YOU JOHN!

It's gonna happen!

I am so excited right now I can hardly sit here and type this. Me. Just me. And I am going to meet John Mayer. Sure I get teased- I mean I am a 33 year old mother and I am obsessed with a musician. So what. Life is so short. And there are fewer and fewer pleasures in life. I don't plan on missing out on any of those pleasures any longer. Lord knows I have some dreams, hopes, plans. I want to meet him. It will be so nice to post the pic of me & him on this blog, oh and on myspace! God help me if the picture doesn't come out.
Anyway- just an update. I haven't blogged in awhile. Work is chaotic and basically uncertain right now. I am really evaluating what I want to be and do. I know whatever it is it will involve me going back to school of some sort and getting some piece of paper that says, yes, indeed, that I am worthy.

Well... see you Monday John Mayer!
Kerrie

Blue girl in a Red State

Lawd...help me! It's so hard living in the South. What do I mean by that? Let me rephrase this- it's so hard being a Catholic Liberal democrat and live in the South.It is. I am a minority. I don't want my daughter to get tainted views from the public school she goes to. My worst nighmare- booger, now age 16, runs in the house- yells something about "Roll Tide" and "Daddy, can I go to the Klan rally with my bff Katie and her racist redneck boyfriend? He has a two ton truck and he doesn't drive all that fast since his tabacco gets on him when he spits it out the winder if he goes too fast. Oh and have you seen my "left behind" book? I need it for bible study tonight".

Now don't get me wrong here. I don't think every southerner is racist or a redneck- but let me tell you- they are a lot around here and well I know there are racists everywhere (I am answering my critics before they even point out their problems with this post, aren't I?) but the thing is... it is more overt around here. And well, if I see another W sticker or a "If you don't support the President you aren't supporting the troops" bumper sticker, I think I might puke. I really might.

I'm done. I get brief visits from members who are from Ohio, or Michigan, or some where like that and they breathe new life in me. Feels like home. Thanks you guys for keeping me in touch with my ways! I know some might not understand me and that's ok too.

Hypnotists..and other rare oddities

Well... so we had our Christmas Gala on Friday. Did I tell you that we hired a hypnotist? Well, we did. Ummm.... it was interesting? I can't knock it- some how I ended up having to do this party even though I'm not the event coordinator. I don't understand what has been happening at work but that is a whole 'nother post. Any who- it might have worked on me, if it weren't for the blaring of the music next door. Imagine a hypnotist, telling you to relax, focus, imagine (insert image here) and all you can here is "SWEET HOME ALABAMA! LORD I'M COMIN HOME TO YOU" and the rhythmic beating of a drum and strum of a guitar. That's how bad it was. Two people did go under. (I hope I don't owe them any money- I don't think we paid anyone to fake it!) and well it was still good. But sheesh. Turned out, just like I thought- the hypnotist was a bad idea for a Christmas party. Guess it's my fault. (I don't care anymore- I really don't) Gotta focus on things I can control and well finally, at age 33 I have learned that I cannot control what other people think of me! I can't! And well it's none of my business what other people think of me. It's not.

I'll have more later- especially after I go through some more family holiday stuff.
Love,Yourself

Well damn.

Damn if I didn't go and do exactly the opposite of what I said I was going to do on Sunday. Got up Monday- weight was up a pound and it felt like I got hit in the gut. Then began the stress of the morning- lunches not made, clothes not picked out, dogs not fed, clothes on the floor, ironing to be done, and well then I started thinking about what is ahead of me at work. And it got to me. I yelled at booger. Yelled at the dogs. My heart rate got up real high and I felt dizzy. I stressed all the way to work in slow moving, agonizing traffic. I didn't feel good- got home last night and complained about the dinner my husband had cooked- and then started all over again this morning! Enough is enough! It is all going to be ok. There is nothing worth stressing over- especially this job. I seriously doubt these people stress over stupid stuff like I do. It really isn't worth it. I'm ending it now.I am telling myself- out loud- it will all be ok. There is nothing to worry about. I will get done what I need to get done. I will work everything out and I will do the best that I can. I am able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, now. This is the holiday season. Lord- get me through this. Take the burden off of me please! Ok- wow much better- believe it or not. It's a miracle! Seriously, though- I have a plan. Get lunches made the night before. Booger gets her shower the night before. Clothes picked out, ironed, what ever else the night before. Also, I need eight hours of sleep- and I need to make it count. Relax. Enjoy. It's all ok.

Anxiety behind me. I see sunshine now. YA!
Love,
Yourself

Weight-WAIT!

"How do I stop myself from being just a number?" - (JM-VULTURES)

I gotta remember this line tomorrow morning. When I jump out of bed- go pee and immediately head for the scale. What does it tell me? I am up a pound? Down two pounds? What I need to realize is that I am so much more than that number. Life is short- what a cliche but damn if it isn't true. I have time. I do- hopefully- have time to slowly lose this extra weight and to save money for retirement and to live my dreams. It's gonna take time, however. I am not going to agonize for each minute, second, until I get there. I refuse to make the same mistakes that I have seen others make. Never happy with their weight. Never happy at all. I am not going to be that kind of example for my daughter. She is my bright sunshiny star and I will be happy for her and for me and for my husband. That's it. Ya gotta make a decision and stick to it. I have decided to do this. Now I have to get going- there are plans to be made, smiles to share and I am going to bake a turkey. I know- Thanksgiving was a few days ago but we love turkey.
Love yourself. Always.
Love,
Yourself

Rest In Peace, Gramma

Today, my grandmother, Ruth Gustafson, passed away. I didn't really know how sick she was- she didn't suffer, at least not long, and it turns out she had lung cancer. No one knew. I guess she didn't either. This is my Dad's Mom. My grandfather passed away some eight years ago. I didn't go to his funeral and it looks like I won't be going to hers either. See, we live in Alabama and they are in the UP of Michigan. It's about more than that, however. There is more than a physical distance between there and here. There is an emotional distance as well. My Dad isn't close to his brothers/sisters (well one brother he is closer to but that's about it). As a military family- we had each other and that was about it. No cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents (my mother's parent's died when she was 19 & 24- I didn't know either of them). But anyway- I can count the number of times that I spent with my grandmother on my two hands. But these last visits, where she and booger got to spend time together were the best. I realized that I loved her and that she was a good person after all and well if that isn't something good I don't know what is. I pray to God that she is with Him in heaven now. With my Grandfather - and that peace surrounds her, holds her and loves her eternally. And I pray that my father is going to be ok through all of this. His love for my Mom and me & my sisters and my daughter is felt- and I hope he knows that we understand that he is hurting now. I don't know what to say to him- but I will pray that he is comforted in his loss. It's my loss too, but mostly his.

We still decorated the tree today. Booger loves Christmas and I know that my grandma would have wanted us to keep up our traditions. This Christmas we will remember grandma- everyday we will. No regrets Grandma. No regrets.
Love
Kerrie

It's me-at 33!

Well today is my 33rd birthday! WOW! Happy Birthday to me! (Is it wrong to tell yourself Happy Birthday? - HOPE NOT!) I have to say- this has been a good year for me. With all the good healthy habits I am working on making a permanent part of my life and also with the great times my family and I have had (Trip to Atlanta to see JM with my husband was a WONDERFUL perfect weekend trip). Had a blast and really felt so loved and so close to him. And the San Antonio trip that we took recently was great too. There's nothing that can compare to having a great time with your family. It truly is wonderful. I am looking forward to many more trips together!
Booger and I are going to see John Mayer again on the 5th of February- he is actually coming to H-town and well we are going to be in the 2nd row. My first concert was Olivia Newton-John and well my daughter is getting to see JM. Wow. She is going to love it, as will I! 2007-I'm ready for you. I am ready to put 2006 to bed with a nice celebration of the holidays and then I will welcome you with open arms. I will make my dreams come true and 33 just may be the year that I do what I was meant to do and be what I was meant to be. ME!
LATER-Ker

Focus on the positive

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you and just when you think everything is going good- BAM you get a reality check that reminds you that there is still work to be done. I am a work in progress, I am in repair, and I know that for everyday I have not talked to my sister or seen my niece, there has been a lesson for me. A lesson in humility. In grudges. In what I could have done differently. But still- there is also something to be said about sticking up for yourself. For staying true to what you believe in and even when others are pushing you to do something or be something you are not- you can stand your ground. I really never did. And although people have said I am stubborn (and who knows what else) You know when you keep something inside and you deny it, and you keep it from getting to the surface- well eventually it is going to boil over. That's what happened. My mind took an opportunity to send my mouth a message and my mouth took the opportunity to stick up for my husband and Dad. And who is suffering? Only me. But really-I'm not suffering. I'm growing. I'm dealing. I am so thankful for everything that I have that I cannot really regret anything. I'm not sorry I spoke up. Someone had too. I said what everyone was thinking, but was afraid to say- and they were right not too. Because speaking up got me punished! And they were not willing to sacrifice seeing that baby. I wasn't willing to sacrifice that either- I didn't know what would happen but I never thought my own sister would demand an apology before I could see my niece. Boy was I wrong. I didn't know her husband would write a scathing letter to my Mom-but I was wrong about that too. I never asked to see the e-mails that were sent back and forth between my Mom and her- I really didn't think it was my business. Little did I know that I was involved. I was in the center of something that I have not been able to let go of for 10-11 months. But I am about to. With writing this I am saying goodbye. I am letting go. Only God knows if we'll ever talk again. If we'll ever be friends. I don't know. I don't know. I am a good person. I love God too. And I love my sister and my niece. Just from a far. When I can't get hurt - where I can easily be myself, not someone else. God, I thank you for this lesson. I know there are many lessons in this situation and I hope that I can somehow make the best of it. Someday.

What is it

That keeps me wanting to stay away from them? Because I think they are toxic? Yes. Because everytime I am around them I get irritated, uncomfortable, offended? I know I am part of the problem. I guess I am just not ready to address that part yet. I don't want to make up. I'm not ready to back down. I feel like I don't really want to be friends with them ever again. How wierd is that? It just is what it is. Man, I didn't see this coming. I didn't think I would be in a family like this. But I am. My husband is in the same boat. But he has lost his Mom and his brother (death). His Dad & he are not that close and well the people in his Dad's life are making him uncomfortable. The man in my sister's life has totally ruined our sisterhood. Our friendship. It is what it is. We aren't friends anymore. I said it. Wow. Feels kind of good. No expectations - no fake remorse - nothing. Just let it be. Let go. Let God. I can't worry about what others think of me. I really can't.
What a Saturday.

Gotta Getcha Head in the Game

My daughter, "booger" as I call her on blogger is 8. She loved the movie Highschool:The Musical. I admit- I watched it with her. And one song stood out- for me. Gotta getcha head in the game. (or "da game" as I should probably write) What a true song. It needs to be my anthem. Lately, I have been meandering through life- just making it day by day and well although I have had some good adventures here and there, mostly it has just been a mundane day to day existance. Am I living it right? (John Mayer asks in WHY GEORGIA) and well I ask myself that question all the time. I guess when I stop asking is when I should worry, huh? I don't know much- but I know that I have a wonderful family. (Well most of them are wonderful) and well I know that I love my husband and daughter with everything I have. I just don't want to admit to myself that this is it for me, though. I know there is so much more out there. God, if you can hear me typing this blog, help me figure out what it is I am being called to do. I am talking about real world beneficial stuff. Things that make the world a better place and help me to feel fufilled at the same time. I want to get to heaven. I do. I just don't want to spend my time on earth just sitting at this desk wishing I were somewhere else. God help me. There is a lady here in this office who has worked here for 19 years. That's so long to me! I am looking at 6 years in January. Hard to believe. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I started off as the receptionist just to make some extra cash and well someone started living and spending like we had unlimited money and now I have to work here. Two promotions later I am neck deep in work (half of it should be done by another staff person- just like I did it when I was in her place) but that is a whole other story. Gotta get my head in the game. Gotta get my head in the game. I will do this. I will figure it all out. I will make it.
See ya there.

Sometimes I wonder...

I am on the only one paying attention? Am I the only one who is keenly aware of each day as it passes and am I the only one who laments another day gone by that was not spent doing what I know I should be doing? What should I be doing? Well.. that's complicated. Writing. Making money by doing something I love. Relaxing. Sight seeing. Ahh... I know what you're thinking. I need to appreciate the job I have. Appreciate the regular paycheck. I know you are right. Deep down I know I've got it made. Some are out there struggling for each morsel of food they eat- they can't hardly keep up with the bills and who knows what else they are dealing with- I KNOW that I am blessed. Believe me. Just that still doesn't keep me from wanting even more. Not more material things. No way. Just some "freedom". Some I don't have to get up at a certain time. Maybe a little bit of laziness. Tossed in with some real productive daydreaming and a whole lot of family time. Is it wrong to want to pick my daughter up from school- when school gets out- not two 1/2 hours later? No it's not. But, again- we are so blessed. She is ok. I am ok. My husband is ok. What more can we ask for?
So.. I will sit at this desk another day. Convincing people that walk in to join for only $450.00 and they will do it and I will smile and the world will go on.
Doesn't mean I am not still dreaming of what else could be....

COMMENTS

Ok I am a loser but I am so stoked I got a comment! TWO comments. Thanks Kathrin from Austria! I appreciate it!

Well... what's new here? Got back from San Antonio on Tuesday- what a great trip. It felt blessed from the beginning. It really did. I learned some good stuff at the conference- of course doesn't seem like I am going to get a whole lot of support in implementing what I learned- but I can try. The level of enthusiasm here just doesn't seem to match mine. Maybe it's me. Maybe I am just on OVERDRIVE and the others are in the slow lane. I don't know. Doesn't matter. Really I have to separate my standards for living and the fact that this job, although it can be rewarding, is really just for the purpose of my paycheck. That's it. And so, I will drudge on all the while dreaming of winning the Mega Millions. Or getting my book published. I'll tell you about my children's story some other time.

Ok.. so I overate while on vacation. Who doesn't? I mean- we found the greatest Mexican restaurant in San Antonio- SAULSALITO's and well we went twice. Also hit the Cracker Barrell twice (I needed some real sweet tea, since I am now a tea drinker). But, the good part is that we walked our behinds off. Went to Sea World- walked a couple of miles. Went to the Riverwalk- walked a couple of miles- at the Alamo too. We just walked and walked and walked. So no weight gain. But no loss either. Back to counting calories. www.calorie-count.com says that if I eat 1650 calories that I can get down to 159 by May of 2008. A year and a half? Not too bad. 1650 calories? That's not starving by any means! I'm going to try to do it. Going to eat a larger breakfast, a decent lunch, and leave salads and lighter fare for my dinner choices. I need to keep the calories under that umbrella. Saturday's are gonna be my free days- I am gonna eat what I want on Saturdays and leave the strictness for the rest of the days. Sundays @ Burger King are going to have to be salads for me. Oh, and maybe I will split a donut at church. That's it. Lord knows it isn't going to be easy but I really think I can do it. Next year, when I fly to Charlotte, I might not be sitting next to my husband or daughter- so I might need to not be so wide as to not encroach on the person next to me. That is just rude.

Well I better get back to work. Nice to meet you Kathrin! Spater!

JOHHHNNN MAAAYYYERR-Comfortable

Well I went- went to see John Mayer on the 14th at Chastain Ampitheatre in Atlanta.. It was wonderful. He is still wonderful, in case you were wondering. I love that he opened with belief- that is really my favorite song on Continuum. David Ryan Harris was excellent as his opening act (he's also in his band). I have to get his cd's- add it to my list of things I want to get! Well anyway-the concert was too short for me- even though it was 40 degrees and this was an outdoor ampitheatre. I would have thought it was too short even if it would have gone on for 3 hours though- cause I love me some Mayer.

The best part was the encore for me. He came out, grabbed his acoustic- I hollared out "COMFORTABLE" and I hollared it out TWICE and well he said "Y'all are making me feel all nostalgic"- then asked his guitar tech for his caepo and proceeded to play- yep you guessed it-COMFORTABLE. Oh man. I almost cried. How cheesy is that. I know. I'm a grown woman. But I love me some Mayer. I love my husband much more for taking me there- and sitting through the concert with me and just loving me. We had a wonderful, happy weekend. I didn't want it to end. We took the scenic route to Atlanta and it ended up being the best way we have ever gone. Thank you God for this great weekend. And well tomorrow the three of us are off to San Antonio (Me, my husband and my daughter- who I will affectionately call "booger" on this blog for anonymity). This is going to be booger's first plane trip so let's hope she doesn't spew. So, I won't be posting for awhile- but I 'll catchya again next week.

I love my husband's eyes...

I don't know why but today I had an image of my husband's gorgeous blue eyes. More than ever I notice just how handsome he is and his eyes are so honest, so blue, so true. Gosh it's great that I love my husband. I know that sounds like a wierd statement- but I do. So many people aren't in love with the ones they married and so I would like to just say today- I thank God for leading me to my husband. I thank God for our marriage. We have been married for a little over 12 years and they have been wonderful, happy, beautiful years. I would just like to say to my husband (who has no idea that I even have this blog) - darlin- I love ya. MWAAHH.

John Mayer...you wonderful, wonderful man

I love John Mayer. I do. I am so excited- I've got great tickets to see him at Chastain in Atlanta this Saturday! I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait. I have seen him once before in concert (live) in Birmingham in 2003. The best concert I have ever been to. The man is just wonderful. I don't know how else to say it. Yeah he totally trips when he writes his blogs (Johnmayer.com) but you know what- I like it! The man is talented in more ways than one. I think of him as like a word artist. He can work some words.

John- if you google yourself, or put your own name in the search engine of blogger.com and somehow seredipitously come across this blog- please know how much I love you , and please play COVERED IN RAIN for me. Oh and say my name in a song- that would be ultra cool. I don't mean the verb carry- I mean KERRIE.

Ok. One of those fake conversations just happened again. I don't care. Take it or leave it. Like I said it doesn't appear as if anyone is reading this anyway!

Can you be fit & fat?

Heck I don't know... last year, when I went for my physical- the doctor, of course, brought up the fact that I am fat as hell. Well he didn't say it exactly that way but shit he myswell have! Anyway, I told him- I don't eat all that much! I told him that I don't eat a salad for lunch every day- but I am still not raking in twinkies and doughnuts and chips and fries and all that good stuff! (By the way- I have been having a salad for lunch everyday for the past two months and I haven't lost a pound!). But anyway- my blood pressure- just fine and dandy- my blood sugar levels- great- and my other markers-even cholesterol all within normal ranges. My triglycerides were like 15 above the normal level- but still nothing to get excited about. But I am still fat. He still had to say something. He had my thyroid levels checked and well they were normal (DAMN) no really. I'm not exactly running marathons (of course I haven't tried to train for one) but I seriously think that I am fit. I love to read those studies that say obesity isn't really a factor in early death. And that people can be fit and fat. I want to live a long life. I have stopped drinking sodas (diet or non) and I have increased my water intake, my leafy green vegetable consumption and I take my vitamins! I guess only time will tell if God just made some of us larger than others- since the beauty of the world lies in the variety of its inhabitants. Of course that doesn't mean I don't plan on reducing my calories to 1600 starting January 1 2007.
Just in case there's a chance for me....

What if...

You know those imaginary conversations you have with people in your mind- people you work with, or people who cut you off in traffic- or heck- even famous people you have yet to meet? What if we all spoke those unspoken conversations? Gosh the world would be a different place. I know my world would be. I don't like conflict. I really don't- I seem to generate conflict sometimes- I guess we all do. I mean, humans, by nature, are full of conflict. I felt conflicted about getting up and coming to work today!
Anyway- my imaginary conversations- they might mean I'm crazy- I don't know. I sure would like to tell a couple of people here a few things. Like lighten up. I mean come on. I just had a conversation with a co-worker. Basically it said- If you are going to be a bitch to me- then don't come ask me for help when you don't know what the fuck you are doing. You've been here for a year- figure it out.
Now- would I ever say that? Heck no. I need this job. $16 bucks an hour is not flush- but heck I don't really think I can make more at this point and time. Now once I win the lottery- or when I get my book published- I will freely say "Fuck you very much". But until then... I will smile. Real big. My husband taught me a code- when I want to say "FUCK YOU" to someone- I can just say "THANK YOU". In a pleasing pleasant tone. I might even say- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Ok- I've done enough for today. I guess I need to get back to work. I don't know. Whatever.

Ok- so my name isn't Kiki

I don't know what freaked me out about posting my real name on my blogs. Just wondered if someone would recognize me and then all of sudden know how I really spend my days! Guess if it doesn't say my real name, I can be more honest. But it's still hard!
Ok, my name is K..er..rie.....Ok I said it. It's over. Now ya know! No one is commenting anyway- so fuck it.