Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Focus on the positive

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you and just when you think everything is going good- BAM you get a reality check that reminds you that there is still work to be done. I am a work in progress, I am in repair, and I know that for everyday I have not talked to my sister or seen my niece, there has been a lesson for me. A lesson in humility. In grudges. In what I could have done differently. But still- there is also something to be said about sticking up for yourself. For staying true to what you believe in and even when others are pushing you to do something or be something you are not- you can stand your ground. I really never did. And although people have said I am stubborn (and who knows what else) You know when you keep something inside and you deny it, and you keep it from getting to the surface- well eventually it is going to boil over. That's what happened. My mind took an opportunity to send my mouth a message and my mouth took the opportunity to stick up for my husband and Dad. And who is suffering? Only me. But really-I'm not suffering. I'm growing. I'm dealing. I am so thankful for everything that I have that I cannot really regret anything. I'm not sorry I spoke up. Someone had too. I said what everyone was thinking, but was afraid to say- and they were right not too. Because speaking up got me punished! And they were not willing to sacrifice seeing that baby. I wasn't willing to sacrifice that either- I didn't know what would happen but I never thought my own sister would demand an apology before I could see my niece. Boy was I wrong. I didn't know her husband would write a scathing letter to my Mom-but I was wrong about that too. I never asked to see the e-mails that were sent back and forth between my Mom and her- I really didn't think it was my business. Little did I know that I was involved. I was in the center of something that I have not been able to let go of for 10-11 months. But I am about to. With writing this I am saying goodbye. I am letting go. Only God knows if we'll ever talk again. If we'll ever be friends. I don't know. I don't know. I am a good person. I love God too. And I love my sister and my niece. Just from a far. When I can't get hurt - where I can easily be myself, not someone else. God, I thank you for this lesson. I know there are many lessons in this situation and I hope that I can somehow make the best of it. Someday.

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